Gaia Community: Blessing Conspirator's Blog

Accidental Overdose: Suffering and Resilience

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 19:49:39 GMT

We finally learned how my mother died last week. It was an accidental overdose of pain medication. I'm grateful to know it wasn't suicide, and yet still find it extremely sad that my mother's lifelong battle with emotional and physical pain caused her death. She never transcended a life of suffering in this incarnation, she never broke through to a life of real joy and healing. I hope to one day understand why I was born to her with tremendous resilience that seems to be a part of my inherent nature and she seemed to have so little resilience at all. Where does resilience come from: nurture or nature or both? Why are some people broken by one tragedy, and others can not only withstand many tragedies, but also turn them into opportunities to serve others who suffer? I just don't understand. Now I have an even deeper reason to want to know why we were so different and what, if anything, can be done for others who lack inherent resilience.

Tags: death, dying, grief, mother, suffering, healing, resilience

Drill Drill Drill

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 20:08:04 GMT

Eve Ensler, the American playwright, performer, feminist and activist best known for "The Vagina Monologues", wrote the following about Sarah Palin.

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Eve Ensler

September 5, 2008

Tags: politics, election, barak obama, feminism, eve ensler

Feeling A Bit Like Job

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 01:46:34 GMT

The Universe is really challenging me to live in integrity with my belief in pronoia--the idea that the Universe is a benevolent place conspiring to shower me with blessings. I can't see the blessings right now, no matter how hard I try.

I haven't written in two weeks because....

I spent the week following my return from Las Vegas grieving, hanging out with friends, trying to return to work (only successfully managed 2 half days), and getting caught up on Pride business (the festival is in three weeks and I can't back out of my responsibilities).

Then I went camping for a weekend. I wanted to get away from everyone and everything and give myself space to really feel everything, as well as nurture my soul by spending some time in the river. So I went to camp with my friend Donny (the only Gaian I've had the fortune of meeting in person). He's great at holding space for me to just be whatever I need to be in the moment. And it was good to be able to process with someone who is also on the conscious path. It was actually an incredibly beautiful weekend for many reasons. Until Sunday morning, when I accidentally picked up a twig for the campfire that must have been poison oak. It started on my eyes and has become systemic (meaning it's in my blood system) and spread all over. I missed an entire week of work (which means I've lost considerable income for September, on top of the week of income I lost on this last paycheck due to my need for grieving time and the money I spent on going to Las Vegas and my son's plane ticket to college...we are now behind on our rent, even after taking a loan from a friend). After starting a second round of steroids it's finally calming down/healing. Except that somehow I reinfected my eyes and lips today. I had to come home from work early to rewash myself everything I've touched in the last 24 hours. The new outbreaks don't get as bad as the initial ones, no swelling, just lots of itching. But that kind of irritation around the eyes and lips is quite uncomfortable. It's cost me so much money in doctor visits, prescriptions and over the counter cleansers and anti-itch remedies. So not only am I suffering through this emotional and physical torment, I'm really stressed about money and the challenges keep coming.

You can see why I'm having a hard time believing the Universe is conspiring to shower me with blessings or seeing the deeper meaning in it all. I haven't even been able to spend time with my friends this last week because of my physical discomfort (and I look like hell), so I don't even have the blessings I had the two weeks previous to balance things out.

I know I'm strong. I'm functioning pretty well for what I'm enduring, although the house is a mess and I'm having a hard time staying on top of life business. And I'm not descending into despair, although I am having regular crying sessions because the steroids have my emotions out of whack (occassional shaking, anxiety, and head spinning are all part of the fun, too). But I have no joy. I can't lift myself to a positive place about anything. I can't find the deeper meaning in why I must be challenged this much in such a short time. How much more can I bear before I fall apart? Is there more to come? I feel like Job in the Bible, like I'm being put through a test to see just how much I can take at this place in my evolution. Will I be pushed until I break? Can I be broken?

Tags: evolution, transformation, grief, suffering, torment, Job

A Tribe of Mothers

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 21:21:16 GMT

This morning I discovered this lovely and humbling example of how wonderful my tribemates are...

Inspired by a Conspiracy

I've known Deborah longer than any other friend in my life. She was my first girlfriend and spoke to my daughter while she was in the womb. We've been in and out of each other's lives ever since, but always, always connected by a thread of love and appreciation for the different ways our journeys evolved. We have in common a desire to evolve consciously. She has been a catalyst for growth and expansion in me on many occasions and at many levels. She has been an inspiration to me as well. She seems to embody her bigness so easily. It brings me great joy to hear how I have touched her life. There is no greater bliss for me than to serve others in their evolution towards their Divine Light.

And Deborah has given me a gift in her blog post, a mirror of my own Divine Light. Her recognition that I am living an "ordinary life in an extraordinary way" is exactly the kind of perspective I need right now. My mother is responsible for my desire...my need...to make extraordinary choices. I believe what makes people extraordinary are their manifestations of their unique Divine Light the world. Deborah is extraordinary in her unique combination of mystic and pervert, and her willingness and courage to share her passion for both with the world in very public ways. I am extraordinary in how my own wounding leads me to facilitate healing in others through acts of service, whether to my children or to my local community through involvements like The Impropriety Society.

You want to give me a life-affirming gift? Tell me how you are extraordinary and how are you gifting it to the world. We don't speak out loud of our own extraordinariness enough.

As to my bravery, I have come to understand that my bravery is a subtler and more emotional kind of bravery than the ones we see manifested and rewarded in the world. My courage is the kind that doesn't recieve much recognition or applause. Mine is the 24 hour a day/365 days a year bravery of being a single working mother (or carrying the entire weight of a family while "partnered"). Mine is the courage of willfully overcoming mental illness and multiple traumas through out childhood and young adulthood (the kinds of traumas that break many people, like my mother, for good) so my children wouldn't inherit the legacy wounding in our family. Mine is the courage of stepping out of the shadows of serving from behind-the-scenes and into leadership of two community organizations that challenge the status quo.

It's good to be witnessed, to be recognized for the best of who we are. I am grateful for friends who see me.

Yesterday, my first day home from Las Vegas, I received four different gifts from friends. Two are too personal for the blog, but significant. One I asked for, one was offered spontaneously. The third was a massage, which I asked for. It occurred me to on the drive back, as I felt my shoulder and neck muscles hardening by the hour, that I have a dear friend who is a massage therapist. I knew if I asked, she would be happy to give. Asking is significant because it's a new kind of knowing for me--to trust that people love me and want to give to me the same way that I want to give to them. My deepest issue is a feeling of unlovability and being insignificant. I have had a lot of love in certain phases of my life over the years, but I wasn't always able to see it when it was there. Now I have more love than ever and I can see, accept and be grateful for it. The last gift was a meal and a few hours company so that I didn't have to be alone. We made homemade mac & cheese (six different cheeses + bacon!) and a salad with greens and herbs fresh from her garden. It was scrumptious comfort food.

I felt nurtured, cherished...the kinds of feelings that I'm supposed to get from my mother. I guess that's what I'm seeking out and the Universe is responding to, different ways of being mothered at the moment I have truly become a motherless daughter. How is it that the Universe gave me a tribe of women to mother me just in time to deal with this loss? How do I not tremble with the immense gratitude I feel for this gift and for my own ability to finally manifest the deepest desires of my heart?

Today I feel strong enough not to need to be with someone every moment that I can. I feel held, by many, even when they are not with me. If I feel up to it tonight, I'll go to a social gathering where many tribemates will be. I know the fullness of my grief has not surfaced yet. But I am honoring where I am in the moment and accepting all of the love that the Universe is offering as it comes so that it will carry me through the darkest places when I am tempted to feel most alone. I know those moments are coming and that I am strong enough to not only meet them, but evolve through them into an even brighter version of my Divine Light.

I have lost my mother (and sadly feel even more distant from my sister and father than ever). But I have gained a family that seems to just keep growing. The most life affirming thing I can do is invest everything I can in nurturing those relationships.

Tags: friendship, community, tribe, family, mother, grief, death, transformation, evolution

Chapter 6:Home & Family

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 18:53:14 GMT

I started this the night I got home but was so exhausted I couldn't finish it. I've just now had time and headspace to do so...

It was a 15 hour trip before I made it home safe and sound. Or as close to sound as I could be under the circumstances. It was an incredibly difficult drive at some points (including a near panic attack on a bridge and a needed release of tears while hearing my daughter's comforting voice), easy in others. As to be expected I suppose. I imagine the next four months (at least) of my life will be this way. It will take until the end of this year (at least ) to see any resolution to this loss. First, the ashes will arrive in 4+ weeks because we're asking social services to pay for it. Then the death certificate will arrive (or the coroner phone call, I'm not sure which) that tells us how mom died (suicide, accidental overdose or natural causes?) in 8+ weeks. Then the finalization of business that cannot be done without an official death certificate. And then the process of taking her remains to where she would want them to be...

We've decided that at Christmastime, both my sister and my son will fly out to Eureka and join my daughter and I for a road trip to Northfork and San Diego (CA) to bury half my mother with her father and half with her mother. It will also be an opportunity to share a significant aspect of our past with the next generations (our grandfather was our most intimate grandparent and his home a significantly positive aspect of our troubled childhood), as well as see family we haven't seen in many years (my father's family--who is my adopted family--lives in San Diego as well and I haven't seen any of them in over 10 years). I have nieces and a nephew I've never met.

Anyway, I was happy to be home, to hug my children and start settling back into my own life. I've already written of the blessings of having family to come home to. I have been well nurtured the last few days.

I'm finding I'm not hurting like I think I should be. I haven't even cried since I've been home. Am I still in some sort of shock? Am I in denial? It's unsettling to me. I process all my big emotions through tears. But I'm not feeling much at all, other than dazed and exhausted (and I'm having my moon, which would normally amplify my feelings). I have spent some time in bed, spacing out....a sort of numb-depressed I guess. I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything and adjusting to being back at work. I've taken all the time off I can afford but I'm not really feeling functional enough to leap into the new job.

I'm also contemplating the strangeness of life insurance policies. They are a significant gift at a very difficult time in one's life. How is a person supposed to feel about that, especially if it's an amount large enough to alter one's life in a significant way? How does one experience gratitude without feeling as though they are feeling good about the loss that brought the gift?

Death is so frickin' complicated. So much to process.

And my son is moving away from home next week.

The changes just aren't going to stop for awhile longer, but I'm so tired.

Tags: grief, death, family, home, love, change, transformation, evolution

Chapter 5: Leaving Las Vegas

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 01:08:24 GMT

I'm in the hotel, trying to relax. I hardly slept at all last night, so I'm hoping I'll be able to fall asleep early in order to get enough rest before leaving at 4 a.m. This should be my last post before I'm home.

We finished up my mother's apartment and packed the car. My body is so worn out, bruised and scraped. Cleaning out a person's entire life in less than three days is quite an understaking. It was hard to leave the apartment. It was a sort of letting go I wasn't quite prepared for. Once I leave Vegas there will be no more threads between myself and my mother's life here.

And yet, I feel like I am still in shock or something because it doesn't seem real yet. I am not having the emotional response that I would expect. This is the greatest loss I've ever known and yet I've cried far fewer tears than I have for lost lovers. Am I still in shock? Am I repressing my feelings to get all the mundane details taken care of? Will it hit me on the road, when I have time to think, or when I get home? Will it hit when I start cleaning out the car and really looking at all the pieces of her life that I brought home (photo albums, journals, etc.).

I did receive an amazing and extremely supportive note from a new friend today, a reminder that I have so much love waiting for me at home, even from unexpected places.

We also got the one and only phone call that was what it should have been, an honoring of my mother's life and her place in the life of the caller. And it was from someone we would have never expected....my dad's brother's ex-wife. Everyone we've spoken to...our dad, our uncle, our step-aunt...has talked about us and the details of arrangements, but not really about my mother. However, this aunt fof ours, whom we haven't seen in years, talked to us about our mother...the last time they saw each other, how proud she was of my mother's accomplishments in recent years. She reminded me how strong and courageous my mom really was. When I have time more time and headspace to write, I'll talk about her life with a more balanced perspective than I have in the past. Now I need to figure out what routes I'm driving home and try to get to sleep.

Tags:

Chapter 4: She Was Loved (& So Am I)

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 04:42:17 GMT

Today we made all the phone calls to close accounts, talked to the school district about benefits (we won't know any specifics till we know cause of death), and took care of all of the other business that we could.

Then we went to the school to pick up her personal items. The principal was cold and unfeeling. It was extremely awkward. And now we understand why my mother didn't get along with her at all.

On the other hand, I also now understand that things were not as bad for her here as I originally thought. My mother was loved dearly by her students and other students in the school. The sister of one of her students saw us going into the classroom and asked if we were related to her. When we said yes she just gushed and told us how she cried when she read the announcement earlier in the week. We left with two boxes of my mother's things, mostly gifts and home-made cards she had received from her students.

The tears started flowing as I approached the car and didn't stop for a good 20 minutes. It was the first really good cry I've had since Monday. I think I am relieved. There is nothing more pure than the love of a young child, which is perhaps part of why my mother was drawn to teaching. Whatever my mom's issues, she was a good teacher. It was her bliss, although she would have preferred working in a private Christian school to a public one. She put all of her heart into her 1st grade students. And they loved her back.

We finished up the day making more progress on the apartment. We threw out at least 10 large trash bags of trash. We've arranged for a charity to pick up all the furniture, clothes, books, craft supplies (that I'm not taking), and other miscellaneous things so they are not wasted. I'm not sure how I'm going to get everything home that we'd like to. Her car isn't very large and there is a lot of albums, pictures, fabric, craft supplies and other things I'd like to take. I guess we'll just do the best we can.

I'm so tired. I'm really worried about making this drive by myself, especially since I want to leave super early Sunday morning to get through the desert before it gets too hot. No air conditioning in the car. Hopefully that's the only thing wrong with it. Mom wasn't so good at caring for cars. I'm a little concerned about driving 900 miles without knowing exactly what condition it's in, but we can't really afford to have it thoroughly checked out after all the money we've spent on travel, death details, etc. I'll get an oil change in the morning and see if they can tell me if I should get a tune up, too. Other than that, I'll be running on hope the whole way home.

p.s. Today I asked for help, which is a significant act for me. I asked a big favor of a friend, someone I wasn't entirely sure it was even appropriate to ask such a big favor from. But she was very happy to come through in any way that I need. I cried tears of relief, and maybe even joy. I am so incredibly loved.

Tags: love, grief, death

Chapter 3: The Business of Death

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 05:12:27 GMT

Today began with an 8 a.m. appointment at the funeral home. It was the first moment my sister and I cried simultaneously since we've been together. We have a strange relationship. There are ways we close and ways that we are very far away. It's not by my choice. I just don't know how to bridge the distance that has grown over the years for reasons I don't even fully understand. Maybe it's the physical distance, being on opposite coasts, and having lives that are so incredibly different. Maybe it's the different ways we've adjusted to life in our family. I just know that even though we are going through this together, I still feel very much alone. Even as I write this, she is crying in the shower. Funny that even though we're so different, we're also so much the same. The shower is my sanctuary, too, for emotion when there are people around I don't want to share it with. And there's something comforting about the water.

The funeral director was very kind, exactly as someone in her position should be I suppose. The limbo we're experiencing is extending to mom's remains because we cannot afford the cremation. We are asking social services to pay for it, which will take several weeks. Her body should arrive at one of our homes shortly before we learn the toxicology results.

There are so many questions in my mind about whether it was really a suicide or whether she had something going on physically that the doctors didn't find because they blew her off. When going through her papers we learned she went to the emergency room on Friday night due to fainting spells. They sent her home with some information about fainting spells and remarks about her substance abuse (her latest addiction was narcotic pain medications). In her personal belongings we found a money order for the rent, purchased on Thursday. Why would she prepare to pay her rent if she planned to die?
And I think she was the kind of person who would write a letter, at least to us. But we haven't found anything. It sucks to have this huge question looming and know that I won't have any answers for at least 6 weeks, probabably 8 or more.

We believe it was suicide for many reasons, the cause of death being undeterminable by autopsy only being one. She has always been unstable and was suicidal many times in the past. We learned from our step-aunt that our mother called her periodically with unstoppable tears. She was seen Friday or Saturday night by a maintenance person crying. The new physical condition she had was causing her tremendous stress, physically and emotionally. She had a strange skin condition that manifested in big sores all over her body, including her scalp which prompted her to shave her head and wear wigs. We learned the week before her death, in an email from her, that a psychiatrist had told her it was caused by stress and prescribed her an anti-psychotic (he told her it was anti-anxiety, but my sister the art therapist knew better as soon as she saw the name) because she believed she had worms coming out of all parts of her body, both the sores and other places like her mouth, fingers and toes. The medication was supposed to lessen the anxiety that caused her to pick at the sores and imagine the worms. The sores on her face were so bad that she said she could no longer completely cover them with bandages. Finances were forcing her to work, teaching first graders. She felt like a monster and didn't know how she could deal with her kids' reactions. We also learned today that her principal had told her last week that she could be fired due to her absences and less-than-optimal performance that were caused by her health issues (I bet that woman feels like a real creep now).

After the funeral home we went to the County Administrator's office to pick up her personal items so we could get into the apartment. The drive from that office to my mother's apartment were the hardest moments I've experienced since originally hearing the news of her death. It's so bizarre walking into my mother's life when I knew so little about it. I had never visited her here. It was very sad how the place didn't really look lived in. She never unpacked most of her things, even though she lived there for one or two years. All the walls were bare except for a couple sentimental items in her bedroom associated with my sister and I.

My sister brought one of my mother's journals back to the hotel with us and serendipitously it had the closest thing to a will we've found so far. We think she wrote it before she had gastric bypass surgery a couple of years ago. It specifies what sentimental items she wanted each of us to have, which we're very glad to know.

There is still much to be done. While we made progress on the apartment, it will take at least another full day to sort everything and try to get a charity to come pick it up. We're hoping a pastor we found in her phone will come to get all the books and tapes on Christianity. It seems like it'd be a waste for them not to go somewhere they will be appreciated. We also need to go to her school to pick up personal items, get the car looked at to be sure it's safe to drive back to Eureka, go to the post office to have her mail forwarded, and who knows what elseI've forgotten in my exhaustion. I feels overwhelming.

I hope I sleep better tonight. I haven't had a full night's sleep since Sunday.

Thank you for listening/witnessing.

Tags: death, grief

Losing My Mother, Chapter Two: Tribe

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 22:20:58 GMT

I am incredibly blessed with friendship right now. I do believe the Universe has been conspiring on my behalf these last few months to be sure I have a support network of love to support me as I process this grief.

I had to get some errands done yesterday in preparation for traveling and didn't feel like I could drive (my eyes were so swollen and irritated from all the crying the night before) or face the world by myself. So I asked a new but very special friend if he would drive me around town.

You have to understand that I am not accustommed to asking for help in any way whatsoever. I have done most of the hard things in my life completely alone. I was a single mother for 10 years with very little support from family or friends. Even when I was married I still did most things on my own. I carried the weight of providing/caring for my family on my shoulders alone for most of the marriage. I've gotten used to be on my own, especially dealing with the hard things in life independently. It's a new experience for me to ask for help/support. It's a new experience to know that help/support even exists for me.

So my friend ran me around town and took me to lunch. We had some great conversations about what I'm experiencing. I can process things at every level with him and he understands. He also has some evolved perspectives, helping me not to make too many judgments about my mother or the family's response to her the last few years. He's a good influence in my life. I feel like I asked for something that might have been too much for a friendship that is only a couple weeks old, but he came through. The Universe has given me quite a gift in him.

Then I decided to call on my tribe to keep me company through the evening. The other option was hiding out in the cave of my bedroom by myself, which I didn't feel would be good for me. I had a meeting scheduled with my partners, so we changed it to a hold-space-for-April dinner gathering and invited other tribemates. My seven closest friends spent the evening feeding me, touching and massaging me, loving me, listening to me, and even making me laugh. There was some intense truth telling, too, both about my mom and her life, and my own choices and the opportunities for healing that exist.

It may be the closest thing to a memorial that will happen in response to my mother's death. There is no one to invite to a memorial. All she had was my sister, me, the kids and her stepsister, who cannot travel due to a back injury. We know she wanted her remains to be put in the same location as her mother's, which we won't be able to do right away since it's in San Diego and we're not even sure exactly where (it's shocking how many things we don't know, but that's another post).

I just can't even put into the words the immensity of my gratitude for my tribemates, these souls who would hold space for me on one of the most painful days of my life.

These days in Las Vegas will be hard. But I have the comfort of knowing that I have a family to come home to. A family that gives me the kind of selfless love and presence that my mother never quite seemed capable of.

Tags: grief, death, life, transformation, evolution, love, tribe, friendship, family, gratitude

Losing My Mother, Chapter 1

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 21:03:52 GMT

How long
can I lament
with this depressed
heart and soul

how long
can I remain
a sad autumn
ever since my grief
has shed my leaves

the entire space
of my soul
is burning in agony

how long can I
hide the flames
wanting to rise
out of this fire

how long can one suffer
the pain of hatred
of another human
a friend behaving like an enemy

with a broken heart
how much more
can I take the message
from body to soul

I believe in love
I swear by love
believe me my love

how long
like a prisoner of grief
can I beg for mercy

you know I'm not
a piece of rock or steel
but hearing my story
even water will become
as tense as a stone

if I can only recount
the story of my life
right out of my body
flames will grow

--Jalal ed-Din Rumi

My mother died last weekend and we believe it was suicide. She was 54 years old. She was the saddest person I've ever known and now I believe she is blissfully in the arms of the Divine (whatever the Divine actually is).

I think I will be chronicling this experience I'm having in my blog so that friends and family can keep posted on how things are progressing and I won't have to speak it over and over again. I also think I need to process what will likely be one of the most difficult experiences of my life through writing, because that's what I do. I think I want a record of this experience, too. Something to go back to over time as I process the immensity of this loss, which could take months or years to fully process from what I hear from others who have lost a parent.

I was not as present for my mother's life as I could have been. I need to be fully present for her death and my experience of it.

I am writing from the Las Vegas airport right now, waiting for my sister's flight to arrive. F*ck, she just called to say she missed her connection due to a late departure from NYC and won't be here for another three hours. I'm stuck in the baggage claim area till she arrives. Now we won't have time to get to the County Administrator's office to get mom's personal items and apartment key tonight, or to the coroner's office to identify the body, two things we wanted to accomplish immediately. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Nearly everything about this seems to be going wrong.

We don't know exactly when or how she died. All we know is that she left work early on Friday not feeling well (she had multiple health issues, but nothing that could have killed her that we're aware of). A neighbor saw her walking through the breezeway of her apartments crying about 9:30 Friday night. She didn't arive to work on Monday morning so they reported her missing. They found her in her bed, no signs of anything. The coroner catalogued the medications and said everything seemed normal, but when he read the names to my sister she felt there was likely something missing. Mom has had pretty serious painkillers on hand for many years and they weren't in the coroner's list.

I found out Monday afternoon at work. My ex told me over the phone so I could come home immediately after the coroner called our house. I nearly had a panic attack in those first moments, but fortunately I knew how to breathe myself through it. It took hours before we heard from the coroner again to find out details. I just had to sit with knowing she was gone and having no idea how or why or when and it was very hard.

My inner administrator took over while I was in shock so that I could get some necessary business done. I have so much responsibility right now to Pride and the Society. We are on the verge of events for both organizations and now I don't know how present I can/will be to the details like I usually am. It'll be interesting to see how much I allow myself to let go and just be in my grief....once the business of death is done. Right now it's a lot more about getting things done, with just a few tears and moments of deep introspection in between.

We won't know how she died for at least 6 weeks. The coroner could find nothing conclusive in the autopsy and a tox screen takes 6-8 weeks (not like tv makes you think at all!). What this means is that we won't have a death certificate, so we cannot handle most of the business details that need to be addressed....bank accounts, creditors, etc. I think all that we can do is clean out her apartment (a monumental task in itself, both physically and emotionally) and I'll be driving her car home since it was recently paid off.

The drive from Vegas to Humboldt is about 14 hours. My mother's car doesn't have air conditioning. Flying from LA to Vegas this morning, as I looked out the window I was struck by the desolation of the desert. I am not looking forward to driving through it by myself in the heat with my mother's belongings...and probably her ashes, too. I already feel very lonely right now. The drive through barren land is daunting.

If it was a suicide, there will be no life insurance. My sister and I are already going into debt just getting here and they are telling us to hire an estate lawyer to handle everything once the death certificate comes through. How the hell are we supposed to afford a lawyer?

My laptop battery is about to go dead and I'm not finding any seats with plugs nearby. I'll probably write more tonight from the hotel unless I find a better situation here.

Tags: grief, death, transformation, evolution, sadness, heartache, mother, daughter, loss

Artist's Prayer

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 20:48:06 GMT

The world's engagement of beauty is my bible,
And Art is my religion.
I come to it as a child.
I add all the grown wisdom I can gather.
Creativity is my salvation.
My easel is the altar.
My paints are the sacraments.
My brush is my soul's movement,
and to do poorly, or not to work, is a sin.

~Robert Genn

Tags: art, prayer, mysticism

Pray For Peace

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 20:36:22 GMT

Pray for Peace
by Ellen Bass
from the book The Human Line (Copper Canyon press, 2007)

Pray to whomever you kneel down to:
Jesus nailed to his wooden or plastic cross,
his suffering face bent to kiss you,
Buddha still under the bo tree in scorching heat,
Adonai, Allah. Raise your arms to Mary
that she may lay her palm on our brows,
to Shekhina, Queen of Heaven and Earth,
to Inanna in her stripped descent.

Then pray to the bus driver who takes you to work.
On the bus, pray for everyone riding that bus,
for everyone riding buses all over the world.
Drop some silver and pray.

Waiting in line for the movies, for the ATM,
for your latte and croissant, offer your plea.
Make your eating and drinking a supplication.
Make your slicing of carrots a holy act,
each translucent layer of the onion, a deeper prayer.

To Hawk or Wolf, or the Great Whale, pray.
Bow down to terriers and shepherds and Siamese cats.
Fields of artichokes and elegant strawberries.

Make the brushing of your hair
a prayer, every strand its own voice,
singing in the choir on your head.
As you wash your face, the water slipping
through your fingers, a prayer: Water,
softest thing on earth, gentleness
that wears away rock.

Making love, of course, is already prayer.
Skin, and open mouths worshipping that skin,
the fragile cases we are poured into.

If you're hungry, pray. If you're tired.
Pray to Gandhi and Dorothy Day.
Shakespeare. Sappho. Sojourner Truth.

When you walk to your car, to the mailbox,
to the video store, let each step
be a prayer that we all keep our legs,
that we do not blow off anyone else's legs.
Or crush their skulls.
And if you are riding on a bicycle
or a skateboard, in a wheelchair, each revolution
of the wheels a prayer as the earth revolves:
less harm, less harm, less harm.

And as you work, typing with a new manicure,
a tiny palm tree painted on one pearlescent nail
or delivering soda or drawing good blood
into rubber-capped vials, writing on a blackboard
with yellow chalk, twirling pizzas--

With each breath in, take in the faith of those
who have believed when belief seemed foolish,
who persevered. With each breath out, cherish.

Pull weeds for peace, turn over in your sleep for peace,
feed the birds, each shiny seed
that spills onto the earth, another second of peace.
Wash your dishes, call your mother, drink wine.

Shovel leaves or snow or trash from your sidewalk.
Make a path. Fold a photo of a dead child
around your VISA card. Scoop your holy water
from the gutter. Gnaw your crust.
Mumble along like a crazy person, stumbling
your prayer through the streets.

Tags: peace, poetry

Art is Our Global Language

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:30:24 GMT

"Art is our one true global language. It knows no nation. It favors no race. It acknowledges no class. It speaks to our need to heal, reveal and transform. It transcends our ordinary lives and lets us imagine what is possible. It creates a dialogue between individuals, and communication between communities. It allows us to see and to listen to each other." --Richard Kamler

Seeing Peace Billboard Project

peacebillboards.org

Tags: art, peace, community, transformation, communication, transcendence, listening

Solstice Storm

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 05:50:05 GMT

Tonight there is a storm coming in. Thunder rumbles through the floor and the walls. Lightning flashes in the window behind me. The air smells wet and alive. And I feel like it's waking me up out of a reverie of sorts. Or perhaps it's my impending moon and the introspection that always comes.

Or perhaps it's a reflection of the little storm in my own heart.

I am home alone tonight. Even though my son has come home from Spain, I have yet to see him because he's already off with friends who will be leaving for college soon. My daughter is also at a friend's house. And I am home for the third night this week without a commitment of some sort (which hasn't happened in months). The truth is that I don't know what to do with myself.

Frick, there is so much change in my life, so much shifting of energies on a near daily basis. I am excited about the adventure of it all, but I am also tired. I am grieving what's being left behind. I am unsure of this new person and life emerging.

I came across this in a Gaia blog today...

"The soul keeps carrying us to love. At the soul level, the pain we feel about all the ruptures in our relationships ... is the pain of wanting to love and having that impulse cut off, cut short. It is the pain of having the longing to love with no place to put it, no one to deliver it to, no form, no vehicle for its expression." from The Future of Love by Daphne Rose Kingma

Yes, this resonates. I don't know where to put all this love that has been generated in the last few months of my opening as the doors to others keep closing. Even my children, the default love recptacles of my life, are not here and do not need me to love them with so much attention anymore. My creative energies have been going to the Society, but we're in a waiting mode right now as we try to solidify a location for the campout. I'm just here, with no vehicle for my expression of love, or at least no vehicle that I am conscious of or familiar with in this new life of mine. I don't know that love has ever flowed through me so immensely before. And now I don't know where the heck to put it.

I suppose this feels like it does right now partly because I am so tired of hearing that I love too big, I care too much. How ridiculous is it that people turn away from me because I love too big? Is it just me who thinks that's kind of crazy? I mean, don't we all want to be loved? You would probably be shocked to know how many times I've heard it, in both lover and friendship contexts, over the course of my adult life. And I heard it again yesterday. How is a girl supposed to remain open when everyone she gets close to closes the door on her? This is my blessing and my curse. I can love so big, and know what is possible in big love between two people, but I can't find anyone who wants to go there with me. Seriously, there is someone on this big frickin' planet who really wants the fullness of my love...isn't there?

Better question, why am I always drawn to people too fearful to be open to big love? What do I need to change in myself to attract people to my life who are willing to face their fears in order to discover how big love can get? What fears am I still not facing if they are my mirrors? Ergh, we can whine all we want but it always comes back to ourselves when we are suffering. I hate that sometimes.

The storm's quieting, as will the one in my heart.

Tags: solstice storm, love, relationship, fear

How do you handle change in your life?

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 23:25:46 GMT

I used to have a really hard time with change and would always fall apart or get severely depressed, especially when change involved loss or uncertainty about financial survival. However, I believe I handle change remarkably well these days (in fact, I think I truly thrive in the midst of change, even when it hurts). Considering how much change is currently taking place in my life (lay off from job, helping the office I'm leaving move into a new building, impending financial chaos, son leaving for college, new business, opening of my heart, fluctuating relationships, etc.), I am finding my own resilience and ability to adapt to be pretty amazing this time around. I am emotionally tired, but I am not immersed in worry about the future. I am a bit moody as I process my feelings about things. But I am not falling apart. I am strong and brave. I am trusting the Universe will take care of me and my family. I am finding and appreciating the gifts in every day (today I am appreciating an influx of connection here at Gaia!). I am entirely functional, mostly content, and continue to give to my family, my work, and my community commitments at nearly full capacity.

Kali's Fire of transformation keeps burning and I continue letting go of the old shadows as I let my light shine brighter. The question/goal I keep in mind as so much is burned away (and in response to a previous QAR, this is my guiding question in life), especially when it hurts: How can I bring my Divine nature into every moment of every day and every connection with another soul? How much brighter can my light shine if I allow myself to work through the heartaches that arise and let go of limiting perceptions of myself and the world?

“Love isn't something we do. It simply moves through our being reshaping us again and again until all falseness has gone to seed and the fragile husks of who we are fall away or break into prayer, becoming kindling for the long winters.” ~ Rashani

The change that is heaviest on my heart at this moment is the loss of the lover I've been growing close to the last few months. Things have shifted in his life and there is no longer time or space for me, although we will remain friends. I understand and am doing my best not to take it personally. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that there is heartache. This is not someone I ever hoped to have a primary relationship with, but as I've written before, I became quite attached to the purity of attention he gave me when we were together and I will miss the delight he brought into my life. I did fall in love with him in a sense and it's a bummer that yet again I must let go of someone I love as my heart remains vulnerable and open. (I'll be glad some day when instead I get to learn how to have healthy, happy long term connections rather than this continual lesson in letting go.)

I'm also finding that every door to lover relationships with women that have stood open before me in recent months seems to be closing one after the other. I am either connecting with women who aren't sure about their own sexuality or women who express interest but then don't follow up with what they say they intend. Maybe it's for the best. With so much change going on in my life, perhaps it's not the best time to initiate relationships outside of the intimate friendships within my tribe. Regardless, I must accept what is and continue believing that the right relationships always come into my life at the right time. I will love and be loved in that way again.

These lessons in non-attachment are not easy. There are still so many old conditionings and patterns that come to the surface. The Invisible Girl still hungers for attention. The abandonment and rejection complexes still wriggle their way into my heart and I must consciously work to keep my ego/pain-body from acting out. But I am not acting out. This is what I am seeing I have achieved in my evolution: I may have the old feelings arise but I do not act on them in any way. Only my readers here know the internal emotional struggles I am having, those in my immediate life do not see it. They just see the choice in action to love and remain open.

Ultimately, as a mystic evolving is my biggest kink, my greatest turn-on, so I must be at peace with change. I am bound and determined to push the edges of evolution in this human experience and see just how much I can consciously experience being the Divine in the world and how purely I can live love. As far as change is concerned, I am living an invitation to the Universe to Bring It On!

Tags: QaR, change, life, transitions, transformation, evolution, relationships, love, open heart

What is your relationship to touch?

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 19:00:30 GMT

I am head over heals in love with and open to touch of all kinds, as should be obvious from recent blog entries about the touch that takes place within my tribe. I thrive, I am happier when I am touched and touching often. Cuddling with my daughter feeds my soul just as much as cuddle puddles and kissing circles with friends and lovers. I am happiest in intimate friendships, women or men with whom I am not sexual but can still sit close to, cuddle with, touch in friendly ways. I love dancing with with another person, allowing our bodies to touch sensually as we respond to the music. I love spooning with another person, lover or friend, when I fall asleep. And of course I love big hugs.

I'll say again that I believe lack of touch--which represents an overall lack of intimacy--in our culture is the primary cause of our collective depression and dependence on anti-depressants to function. Being touched in a let's us know that we are truly witnessed and even cherished. Touch is necessary for babies to survive and thrive. I don't think that ever goes away, we just learn how to settle for less than we actually need to thrive. We settle for surviving, getting through, instead of thriving and living a life of real joy and authentic pleasure.

Tags: QaR, touching, touch, love, community, relationship, intimacy, thriving

Where do you find art in your life?

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 19:00:58 GMT

I find art everywhere that I possibly can. Art is my bliss, not just in the making of it with my own hands, eyes and heart, but in the experiencing of other people's creativity through every possible art form. My home and office are filled with art, both original pieces by myself, my sister, my kids and friends over the years, as well as prints and cards by all kinds of artists. My life is filled with music since I have it playing nearly everywhere I go. I love film and extremely well done television (which is rare). I love theater and live performances of all kinds, although I can't afford to attend nearly as often as I like. And I love trying to bring art into everything that I do in my work and in the community, whether it's building a float for the Pride Parade or painting banners and making posters for The Impropriety Society. Soon I will be hosting some women's art nights, bringing creative women together to share their talents and create together.

Art simply fills my life in every possible way.

Tags: QaR, art, life, world, discovery, create

That Great Undivided Familiarity

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 06:53:36 GMT

This passage below speaks so perfectly to my last post. I had this saved on my desktop, found at someone's blog in recent months. I was compelled to open the file tonight and loved the serendipity of it....

"As we expand, we melt. Our hearts open. Our thinking changes. Our obsessions subside, our addictions quietly pass away. This is the slow, elegant, loving process through which, little by little, we let go of the old and welcome the new. We open our hearts and allow in a few more people, just a few more relationship experiences, just a few more kinds of relationships. We learn there are no mistakes, and our hearts become a circle so large that there are no more boundaries, no differences, no judgments. We know the graciousness of that great undivided familiarity, in which there are no more strangers, only friends.

We stretch, and to our amazement we don't break. Instead, we grow. Suddenly, everything becomes easier, and our hearts, which once we believed could love only one person, or were battered so badly we thought they could never love again, expand so fully that the whole world is welcome. In such a state of openness, we see that we've only forgotten how to be together, we faintly and beautifully remember that once we were all together. We remember the way we were in a universe of incredible softness where there were no edges, no walls, no mind games, no rules. In that incredible world, we were happy. We loved one another. It wasn't a feeling. It was a state of being called joy.

The future of love is this all-encompassing embrace. For when we have expanded so much, we will finally arrive at a place where the heart can open its doors to everything and everyone. Our souls have been taking us on this journey and Love is the magnificent destination to which they have been leading us. Now we can feel joy. Now, at last, we can be satisfied. Now, finally, we are home. ~ Daphne Rose Kingma

Looks like a summer campout is the next event for The Impropriety Society, scheduled for early August so we're on another quick production schedule. We have a staff member with a lovely piece of property out in the redwoods on a creek that the partners and I visited tonight. We're imagining a two night event with 100 attendees plus 25 staff. No performances but there will be dj's and a dance floor. Bonfire on the creek. Communal kitchen and we'll provide one dinner and one breakfast. Not quite sure how we're going to set up the social areas to facilitate play yet, but we're creative.

Yay, more opportunities for community building and connection!

Tags:

When have you felt unconditionally accepted?

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 06:32:46 GMT

Serendipitously, just last Saturday night (and really all the time that I interact with my new chosen-family). It was The Impropriety Society's staff decompression and party. It was feeling at home with my tribe, which was desperately needed after a couple of difficult weeks and the time with my parents (who I don't feel unconditionally accept me). It amazes me how the more authentic I am with my tribe, the more I expose, the more I am given love and appreciation for my distinct quirkiness. At every gathering I connect more deeply with people, constantly surprised by how many people have been holding back from engaging with me because I was so closed down in fear before. All that time (over five frickin' years!!!) I was in such fear that no one cared that I was around or didn't like who I was, when most were actually wishing I'd come out of my shell and participate more fully.

One of my tribe mates (someone that I actually used to judge for being a party-girl but who I am now open to seeing as the incredibly intelligent and creative soul she is) told me she loves that I'm a "cool nerd" (I was in a cuddle puddle but also diligently taking notes on my laptop during the decompression so we wouldn't forget anyone's feedback). She said she loves the contrast of my quiet, structured, and hardworking side with the uninhibited and passionate woman who emerges when I play. And she said she enjoyed watching me open up to the community after hiding on the fringes for so long, which I've heard from multiple people. I mean that's the thing, I receive gratitude from my friends for opening and sharing myself, the parts that matter most to me, whether it's making artful creations or sharing my deep feelings about what we do or opening up to a more intimate connection or whatever. It's an amazing feeling to know that people don't just fully accept you but are actually grateful for you, what you have to give, and the ways you express yourself in the world. If everyone in the world could experience this, the world would be a much different place. Truly. I feel cherished and appreciated and fully witnessed for my unique expression of the Divine in the world. I am so happy.

There is tremendous love and acceptance in our group and I think the only thing that makes us distinct from any other group is our openness to intimacy of all kinds; whether it's being honest about our feelings about anything and everything, especially each other (including conflicts), or being open to all the ways we can connect and love each other intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, creatively and physically. We are just so incredibly open to love and expressing that love and communicating when shadows arise. We're committed to exploring just how open we can be, pushing our limits consciously. Each time we're together the closeness grows and deepens within the collective.

Can I just say kissing circles are one of the coolest things ever? Seriously. (What is a kissing circle you ask? 6-8 people in a circle hug who all take turns kissing each other...within the comfort of each person's sexual orientation of course. Lucky for me, being a bi-girl means I can kiss anyone!) How is it that we are so uptight about kissing and touching and enjoying friends in light, fun ways? I mean part of me wonders if I should even be writing this here because we have so many taboos about these kinds of things in our culture and I could worry at least some of you will judge us as a bunch of "sluts." But if I am to be completely myself here, as I strive to be, then I have to say I love kissing circles (and cuddle puddles) and I think it's silly that we are only supposed to kiss or cuddle with one person for as long as we're partnered to or dating them. Forget sex, I'm just talking about kissing and cuddling. Kissing, hugging, holding hands, and cuddling up to each other are just ways to express our love for each other, even friends (we don't all become lovers...we're not even all polyamorous). It feels good. It feels right. It feels natural, like this is the way it's supposed to be.

I'm more convinced than ever that if we had considerably more intimate touch in our lives, we would put the anti-depressant industry out of business. Our isolation in this culture isn't just about being too busy working to survive and consume, it's about being afraid of intimacy of any kind. We experience so much of life vicariously or from a distance instead of in our own skin. We are all walking around with these big walls between us and the rest of the world, carefully deciding when and how much we'll emerge from behind the wall to interact with each other. We hardly actually talk to each other, let alone touch each other. Ultimately, this is what the Society is about for me, breaking down the walls, breaking out of fear and insecurity to love without limitations, breaking out of our cultural isolation and creating a true sense of community. We consciously create space for people to feel safe to emerge and connect, both within the core collective that produces the events and in the community at large.

I'm also figuring out that there all kinds of ways and reasons to be attracted to people. There is just so much beauty and love in people if you are present to it, if you open to all the possible ways you can connect with them. I am seeing so many people I've known for years in totally different and more expansive ways than ever before. I'm seeing what there is to love in everyone, if not through my own interactions with them, then through the eyes of love and shared experiences of others in the tribe.

I have a quote in a prominent place from Eve Ensler that essentially says that what we give to others we are giving to ourselves. As I open to giving unconditional love and acceptance, I receive it. It's deceptively simple, but true.

Tags: QaR, acceptance, unconditional acceptance, love, self, tribe, community, relationship, intimacy

Fearless Vulnerability

http://blessingconspiracy.gaia.com — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 22:04:06 GMT

“The soul--which I'm defining as our capacity for
these deeply positive human qualities--is something
that, in most of us, desperately needs to be
developed. Too many of us live in a fractured state,
deeply divided against ourselves--often far more so
than we are aware of or able to feel. We exist in a
self-generated vacuum of moral ambiguity, where
everything is relative and our attention is focused
mainly on our emotional state. Most of us know a lot
more about what really matters than we are willing to
live up to. Indeed, we are attracted to that which is
beautiful, profound, and meaningful but find ourselves
lacking the soul strength to really struggle, to
engage in a life-and-death wrestling match with our
own division, cynicism, and inertia. The awful truth
is that it is just easier for us not to care that
much. In order to care that much, we have to be
willing to feel a connection with life that is so deep
that it hurts. We have to be ready to step onto the
field of our own experience in a way that is
authentic, unconditional, and deeply committed--to
embrace a kind of fearless vulnerability where our
transparency is our strength and the living experience
of connection is permanent, unbroken, and
inescapable.”  Andrew Cohen








 

Fearless vulnerability...this phrase resonates within me with a great 
trembling truth. It is a quality of being that I am being called to live 
and it scares me. I am resisting.  
 

I am piecing together the connections of various experiences I'm 
having, finally seeing the deeper pattern that has been causing me 
heartache the last couple weeks. I have been contracting and now I 
understand why.
 

Until last night, I hadn't seen the context of my relationship attachment 
issues, which have only gotten worse, within the pending arrival of 
my parents. I had an insight that the reason I am so attached to the 
experiences I have with my lover is because he gives me such a 
purity of attention. He not only sees the Invisible Girl, he recognizes 
her, appreciates her, and is open to witnessing every single aspect 
of her. I can be all of myself with him. And I can be very little of myself 
with my parents because I'm hardly seen by my parents, which breaks 
my heart over and over and over again. They created and they reinforce 
the Invisible Girl. I haven't had to deal with this heartbreak in person 
for several years. And now it comes crashing over me with tremendous 
sadness and frustration at the same time that I have all these other big 
situation and feelings in my life. I need a mom and dad right now and
yet I cannot turn to them in that capacity.
 

I know I have to let go of this desire, this hope, this fantasy that some 
day my parents will break out of their narcissism (mom) and 
emotional detachment (dad) and actually want to engage with me 
authentically; that some day they will want to know about my life, share 
my passions, show pride in my accomplishments, and love me
through my hearbreaks. Intellectually, I know it will never happen 
and that I am only creating suffering by wanting something 
different than what is. But I am human and I hunger to be seen 
and cared for by my mom and dad. I wonder if I will 
ever be capable of not hungering for this.

 

I came out to my dad today. I've known I am bisexual for 15 years 
and I just told him today. Why? Because my dad is a conservative 
Christian who believes homosexuality is a sin. And when I am 
honest with him about the things in my life that he consideres sinful, 
he ignores and denies them. So until now, what would have been
the point in coming out since I haven't partnered with a woman 
(which is the only way my queer lifestyle would effect him)?
But I am co-chair of Humboldt Pride and there is a giant rainbow flag 
sculpture in my kitchen that he couldn't ignore. At lunch today he 
asked me about the relevance of the colors (he actually didn't know 
what a rainbow flag represents), so I told him about my involvement 
in Pride and that I got involved both in support of my son (who came 
out as gay to my family when he was 12, although dad seemed to 
have forgotten that when I brought it up today....like I said, he lives in 
denial) and because I am bisexual. He had no comments, just took 
it all in. It probably won't come up again. It'll just be filed away in the 
place he keeps all the details about my life that he doesn't like.

 

My mom will be arriving tomorrow and she is the bigger problem, 
not just because she shows no interest in my life or what matters 
to me, but because she's also found a way to  dominate the family's
attention for the weekend, even though my son's graduation should 
be the center of our attention. She has a funky skin condition that 
cannot be treated because they can find no medical reason for it. 
My mom has had something physically wrong with her for as long 
as I can remember. When one ailment ends, another soon follows.
That she has created something untreatable 
doesn't surprise me at all. It's part of her narcissist pattern, to keep 
the attention on her and people taking care of her. She is filled with 
self pity about her appearance (it started on her head, which she 
shaves regularly and wears a wig to hide in public, and has now 
spread to the rest of her body). She called my son last week to ask 
him if she shouldn't come because her appearance may be 
disturbing or embarrassing to him/us. What on earth makes her think 
it's ok to my son in that position? What's he supposed to say? 
Of course he said he wants her here for his special day no matter 
what. And now I sit here wondering how her energy is going to effect 
the family and the graduation experience. My son attends a small 
school, he has a class of about 18 students. The graduation 
ceremony/reception will be intimate, not a place we can hide in the
crowd unnoticed. 

 

Oh, and then there's the fact my parents don't speak to each other 
and are very awkward with one another, so that'll make things 
interesting in itself.
 

I have this tiny family that is full of woundedness. It sucks...and it 
explains why I would cling with everything I have to those who give 
me visibility, who show appreciation for who I am as a human being.

I also see that it's an opportunity to grow into fearless vulnerability. 
To end my suffering, I must release my hopes, expectations, fantasies, 
and judgments to accept and love my parents exactly as they are. 
I must let go of the idea that I need to be truly seen by them to be a 
healthy, happy and whole person. I must open my heart to them as 
fully as I am opening it to everyone else in my life, knowing they will 
never be able to reciprocate. I must learn to love them 
the same way I seek to love my friends and lovers...without 
attachment to how they respond to my love or to me. If I can do it
with them, I can do it with anyone.

Tags: soul, growth, transformation, evolution, love, relationship, expansion, contraction, fear, vulnerability, openness