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evolution
October 2008 
Feeling A Bit Like Job
Posted on Aug 26th, 2008
by 
Blessing Conspirator
Blessing Conspirator
The Universe is really challenging me to live in integrity with my belief in pronoia--the idea that the Universe is a benevolent place conspiring to shower me with blessings. I can't see the blessings right now, no matter how hard I try.
I haven't written in two weeks because....
I spent the week following my return from Las Vegas grieving, hanging out with friends, trying to return to work (only successfully managed 2 half days), and getting caught up on Pride business (the festival is in three weeks and I can't back out of my responsibilities).
Then I went camping for a weekend. I wanted to get away from everyone and everything and give myself space to really feel everything, as well as nurture my soul by spending some time in the river. So I went to camp with my friend Donny (the only Gaian I've had the fortune of meeting in person). He's great at holding space for me to just be whatever I need to be in the moment. And it was good to be able to process with someone who is also on the conscious path. It was actually an incredibly beautiful weekend for many reasons. Until Sunday morning, when I accidentally picked up a twig for the campfire that must have been poison oak. It started on my eyes and has become systemic (meaning it's in my blood system) and spread all over. I missed an entire week of work (which means I've lost considerable income for September, on top of the week of income I lost on this last paycheck due to my need for grieving time and the money I spent on going to Las Vegas and my son's plane ticket to college...we are now behind on our rent, even after taking a loan from a friend). After starting a second round of steroids it's finally calming down/healing. Except that somehow I reinfected my eyes and lips today. I had to come home from work early to rewash myself everything I've touched in the last 24 hours. The new outbreaks don't get as bad as the initial ones, no swelling, just lots of itching. But that kind of irritation around the eyes and lips is quite uncomfortable. It's cost me so much money in doctor visits, prescriptions and over the counter cleansers and anti-itch remedies. So not only am I suffering through this emotional and physical torment, I'm really stressed about money and the challenges keep coming.
You can see why I'm having a hard time believing the Universe is conspiring to shower me with blessings or seeing the deeper meaning in it all. I haven't even been able to spend time with my friends this last week because of my physical discomfort (and I look like hell), so I don't even have the blessings I had the two weeks previous to balance things out.
I know I'm strong. I'm functioning pretty well for what I'm enduring, although the house is a mess and I'm having a hard time staying on top of life business. And I'm not descending into despair, although I am having regular crying sessions because the steroids have my emotions out of whack (occassional shaking, anxiety, and head spinning are all part of the fun, too). But I have no joy. I can't lift myself to a positive place about anything. I can't find the deeper meaning in why I must be challenged this much in such a short time. How much more can I bear before I fall apart? Is there more to come? I feel like Job in the Bible, like I'm being put through a test to see just how much I can take at this place in my evolution. Will I be pushed until I break? Can I be broken?
I haven't written in two weeks because....
I spent the week following my return from Las Vegas grieving, hanging out with friends, trying to return to work (only successfully managed 2 half days), and getting caught up on Pride business (the festival is in three weeks and I can't back out of my responsibilities).
Then I went camping for a weekend. I wanted to get away from everyone and everything and give myself space to really feel everything, as well as nurture my soul by spending some time in the river. So I went to camp with my friend Donny (the only Gaian I've had the fortune of meeting in person). He's great at holding space for me to just be whatever I need to be in the moment. And it was good to be able to process with someone who is also on the conscious path. It was actually an incredibly beautiful weekend for many reasons. Until Sunday morning, when I accidentally picked up a twig for the campfire that must have been poison oak. It started on my eyes and has become systemic (meaning it's in my blood system) and spread all over. I missed an entire week of work (which means I've lost considerable income for September, on top of the week of income I lost on this last paycheck due to my need for grieving time and the money I spent on going to Las Vegas and my son's plane ticket to college...we are now behind on our rent, even after taking a loan from a friend). After starting a second round of steroids it's finally calming down/healing. Except that somehow I reinfected my eyes and lips today. I had to come home from work early to rewash myself everything I've touched in the last 24 hours. The new outbreaks don't get as bad as the initial ones, no swelling, just lots of itching. But that kind of irritation around the eyes and lips is quite uncomfortable. It's cost me so much money in doctor visits, prescriptions and over the counter cleansers and anti-itch remedies. So not only am I suffering through this emotional and physical torment, I'm really stressed about money and the challenges keep coming.
You can see why I'm having a hard time believing the Universe is conspiring to shower me with blessings or seeing the deeper meaning in it all. I haven't even been able to spend time with my friends this last week because of my physical discomfort (and I look like hell), so I don't even have the blessings I had the two weeks previous to balance things out.
I know I'm strong. I'm functioning pretty well for what I'm enduring, although the house is a mess and I'm having a hard time staying on top of life business. And I'm not descending into despair, although I am having regular crying sessions because the steroids have my emotions out of whack (occassional shaking, anxiety, and head spinning are all part of the fun, too). But I have no joy. I can't lift myself to a positive place about anything. I can't find the deeper meaning in why I must be challenged this much in such a short time. How much more can I bear before I fall apart? Is there more to come? I feel like Job in the Bible, like I'm being put through a test to see just how much I can take at this place in my evolution. Will I be pushed until I break? Can I be broken?
Access: Public
Keeping the nameste principle in mind: our blessings aren't always directly for us, as pleasurable experiences. Just *imagine* how much compassion you're going to have when someone comes to you, wondering what to make of a time of great trial, and you can share this experiecne with them, when they are in need. Times of trial are the blessing of seeds of compassion–for self and other.
I won't bother with a horror story of my own. You know I've had a few; that's enough. But what I do willingly share with you is the blessing embedded in all experiences like this:
All things pass. All things transofrm, eagerly reaching for life and their own true nature. Reach for your true nature. Wehn the sun comes back out, reach for it, too. Reach. And know–even if you don't feel it–that you are blessed. Keep knowing until the experiencing kicks back in, becase I promise it will.
Besides–if you can find a way to love *this*, you can find a way to love *ANYTHING*, right? :)
Loving your trials til you can again….
D