Chapter 6:Home & Family

I started this the night I got home but was so exhausted I couldn't finish it. I've just now had time and headspace to do so...

It was a 15 hour trip before I made it home safe and sound. Or as close to sound as I could be under the circumstances. It was an incredibly difficult drive at some points (including a near panic attack on a bridge and a needed release of tears while hearing my daughter's comforting voice), easy in others. As to be expected I suppose. I imagine the next four months (at least) of my life will be this way. It will take until the end of this year (at least ) to see any resolution to this loss. First, the ashes will arrive in 4+ weeks because we're asking social services to pay for it. Then the death certificate will arrive (or the coroner phone call, I'm not sure which) that tells us how mom died (suicide, accidental overdose or natural causes?) in 8+ weeks. Then the finalization of business that cannot be done without an official death certificate. And then the process of taking her remains to where she would want them to be...

We've decided that at Christmastime, both my sister and my son will fly out to Eureka and join my daughter and I for a road trip to Northfork and San Diego (CA) to bury half my mother with her father and half with her mother. It will also be an opportunity to share a significant aspect of our past with the next generations (our grandfather was our most intimate grandparent and his home a significantly positive aspect of our troubled childhood), as well as see family we haven't seen in many years (my father's family--who is my adopted family--lives in San Diego as well and I haven't seen any of them in over 10 years). I have nieces and a nephew I've never met.

Anyway, I was happy to be home, to hug my children and start settling back into my own life. I've already written of the blessings of having family to come home to. I have been well nurtured the last few days.

I'm finding I'm not hurting like I think I should be. I haven't even cried since I've been home. Am I still in some sort of shock? Am I in denial? It's unsettling to me. I process all my big emotions through tears. But I'm not feeling much at all, other than dazed and exhausted (and I'm having my moon, which would normally amplify my feelings). I have spent some time in bed, spacing out....a sort of numb-depressed I guess. I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything and adjusting to being back at work. I've taken all the time off I can afford but I'm not really feeling functional enough to leap into the new job.

I'm also contemplating the strangeness of life insurance policies. They are a significant gift at a very difficult time in one's life. How is a person supposed to feel about that, especially if it's an amount large enough to alter one's life in a significant way? How does one experience gratitude without feeling as though they are feeling good about the loss that brought the gift?

Death is so frickin' complicated. So much to process.

And my son is moving away from home next week.

The changes just aren't going to stop for awhile longer, but I'm so tired.