Chapter 5: Leaving Las Vegas

I'm in the hotel, trying to relax. I hardly slept at all last night, so I'm hoping I'll be able to fall asleep early in order to get enough rest before leaving at 4 a.m. This should be my last post before I'm home.

We finished up my mother's apartment and packed the car. My body is so worn out, bruised and scraped. Cleaning out a person's entire life in less than three days is quite an understaking. It was hard to leave the apartment. It was a sort of letting go I wasn't quite prepared for. Once I leave Vegas there will be no more threads between myself and my mother's life here.

And yet, I feel like I am still in shock or something because it doesn't seem real yet. I am not having the emotional response that I would expect. This is the greatest loss I've ever known and yet I've cried far fewer tears than I have for lost lovers. Am I still in shock? Am I repressing my feelings to get all the mundane details taken care of? Will it hit me on the road, when I have time to think, or when I get home? Will it hit when I start cleaning out the car and really looking at all the pieces of her life that I brought home (photo albums, journals, etc.).

I did receive an amazing and extremely supportive note from a new friend today, a reminder that I have so much love waiting for me at home, even from unexpected places.

We also got the one and only phone call that was what it should have been, an honoring of my mother's life and her place in the life of the caller. And it was from someone we would have never expected....my dad's brother's ex-wife. Everyone we've spoken to...our dad, our uncle, our step-aunt...has talked about us and the details of arrangements, but not really about my mother. However, this aunt fof ours, whom we haven't seen in years, talked to us about our mother...the last time they saw each other, how proud she was of my mother's accomplishments in recent years. She reminded me how strong and courageous my mom really was. When I have time more time and headspace to write, I'll talk about her life with a more balanced perspective than I have in the past. Now I need to figure out what routes I'm driving home and try to get to sleep.