A Tribe of Mothers

This morning I discovered this lovely and humbling example of how wonderful my tribemates are...

Inspired by a Conspiracy

I've known Deborah longer than any other friend in my life. She was my first girlfriend and spoke to my daughter while she was in the womb. We've been in and out of each other's lives ever since, but always, always connected by a thread of love and appreciation for the different ways our journeys evolved. We have in common a desire to evolve consciously. She has been a catalyst for growth and expansion in me on many occasions and at many levels. She has been an inspiration to me as well. She seems to embody her bigness so easily. It brings me great joy to hear how I have touched her life. There is no greater bliss for me than to serve others in their evolution towards their Divine Light.

And Deborah has given me a gift in her blog post, a mirror of my own Divine Light. Her recognition that I am living an "ordinary life in an extraordinary way" is exactly the kind of perspective I need right now. My mother is responsible for my desire...my need...to make extraordinary choices. I believe what makes people extraordinary are their manifestations of their unique Divine Light the world. Deborah is extraordinary in her unique combination of mystic and pervert, and her willingness and courage to share her passion for both with the world in very public ways. I am extraordinary in how my own wounding leads me to facilitate healing in others through acts of service, whether to my children or to my local community through involvements like The Impropriety Society.

You want to give me a life-affirming gift? Tell me how you are extraordinary and how are you gifting it to the world. We don't speak out loud of our own extraordinariness enough.

As to my bravery, I have come to understand that my bravery is a subtler and more emotional kind of bravery than the ones we see manifested and rewarded in the world. My courage is the kind that doesn't recieve much recognition or applause. Mine is the 24 hour a day/365 days a year bravery of being a single working mother (or carrying the entire weight of a family while "partnered"). Mine is the courage of willfully overcoming mental illness and multiple traumas through out childhood and young adulthood (the kinds of traumas that break many people, like my mother, for good) so my children wouldn't inherit the legacy wounding in our family. Mine is the courage of stepping out of the shadows of serving from behind-the-scenes and into leadership of two community organizations that challenge the status quo.

It's good to be witnessed, to be recognized for the best of who we are. I am grateful for friends who see me.

Yesterday, my first day home from Las Vegas, I received four different gifts from friends. Two are too personal for the blog, but significant. One I asked for, one was offered spontaneously. The third was a massage, which I asked for. It occurred me to on the drive back, as I felt my shoulder and neck muscles hardening by the hour, that I have a dear friend who is a massage therapist. I knew if I asked, she would be happy to give. Asking is significant because it's a new kind of knowing for me--to trust that people love me and want to give to me the same way that I want to give to them. My deepest issue is a feeling of unlovability and being insignificant. I have had a lot of love in certain phases of my life over the years, but I wasn't always able to see it when it was there. Now I have more love than ever and I can see, accept and be grateful for it. The last gift was a meal and a few hours company so that I didn't have to be alone. We made homemade mac & cheese (six different cheeses + bacon!) and a salad with greens and herbs fresh from her garden. It was scrumptious comfort food.

I felt nurtured, cherished...the kinds of feelings that I'm supposed to get from my mother. I guess that's what I'm seeking out and the Universe is responding to, different ways of being mothered at the moment I have truly become a motherless daughter. How is it that the Universe gave me a tribe of women to mother me just in time to deal with this loss? How do I not tremble with the immense gratitude I feel for this gift and for my own ability to finally manifest the deepest desires of my heart?

Today I feel strong enough not to need to be with someone every moment that I can. I feel held, by many, even when they are not with me. If I feel up to it tonight, I'll go to a social gathering where many tribemates will be. I know the fullness of my grief has not surfaced yet. But I am honoring where I am in the moment and accepting all of the love that the Universe is offering as it comes so that it will carry me through the darkest places when I am tempted to feel most alone. I know those moments are coming and that I am strong enough to not only meet them, but evolve through them into an even brighter version of my Divine Light.

I have lost my mother (and sadly feel even more distant from my sister and father than ever).  But I have gained a family that seems to just keep growing. The most life affirming thing I can do is invest everything I can in nurturing those relationships.