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fear
October 2008 
Solstice Storm
Blessing Conspirator
Tonight there is a storm coming in. Thunder rumbles through the floor and the walls. Lightning flashes in the window behind me. The air smells wet and alive. And I feel like it's waking me up out of a reverie of sorts. Or perhaps it's my impending moon and the introspection that always comes.
Or perhaps it's a reflection of the little storm in my own heart.
I am home alone tonight. Even though my son has come home from Spain, I have yet to see him because he's already off with friends who will be leaving for college soon. My daughter is also at a friend's house. And I am home for the third night this week without a commitment of some sort (which hasn't happened in months). The truth is that I don't know what to do with myself.
Frick, there is so much change in my life, so much shifting of energies on a near daily basis. I am excited about the adventure of it all, but I am also tired. I am grieving what's being left behind. I am unsure of this new person and life emerging.
I came across this in a Gaia blog today...
"The soul keeps carrying us to love. At the soul level, the pain we feel about all the ruptures in our relationships ... is the pain of wanting to love and having that impulse cut off, cut short. It is the pain of having the longing to love with no place to put it, no one to deliver it to, no form, no vehicle for its expression." from The Future of Love by Daphne Rose Kingma
Yes, this resonates. I don't know where to put all this love that has been generated in the last few months of my opening as the doors to others keep closing. Even my children, the default love recptacles of my life, are not here and do not need me to love them with so much attention anymore. My creative energies have been going to the Society, but we're in a waiting mode right now as we try to solidify a location for the campout. I'm just here, with no vehicle for my expression of love, or at least no vehicle that I am conscious of or familiar with in this new life of mine. I don't know that love has ever flowed through me so immensely before. And now I don't know where the heck to put it.
I suppose this feels like it does right now partly because I am so tired of hearing that I love too big, I care too much. How ridiculous is it that people turn away from me because I love too big? Is it just me who thinks that's kind of crazy? I mean, don't we all want to be loved? You would probably be shocked to know how many times I've heard it, in both lover and friendship contexts, over the course of my adult life. And I heard it again yesterday. How is a girl supposed to remain open when everyone she gets close to closes the door on her? This is my blessing and my curse. I can love so big, and know what is possible in big love between two people, but I can't find anyone who wants to go there with me. Seriously, there is someone on this big frickin' planet who really wants the fullness of my love...isn't there?
Better question, why am I always drawn to people too fearful to be open to big love? What do I need to change in myself to attract people to my life who are willing to face their fears in order to discover how big love can get? What fears am I still not facing if they are my mirrors? Ergh, we can whine all we want but it always comes back to ourselves when we are suffering. I hate that sometimes.
The storm's quieting, as will the one in my heart.
Access: Public
I feel what you are saying April. My boyfriend, for the second time now, ended our relationship on Thursday night. Caught me off guard, again. Both times, it has followed a period where we get so close and I see such amazing potential in him, in us, but whereas I see it as exciting, he finds it frightening how much we've opened to each other, so he runs away, says he feels “restless” and in need of “space”. I want to jump into that great unknown with him and he wants to hide from it.
I'm being berated by my friends for loving him too much, being too forgiving, too accepting. I didn't realize there could be TOO MUCH of any of those things in this world. I love him so much that I know I have to relinquish my desire to control this situation and let him just be. When I do that, he keeps coming back to me. But I don't know how much more of this pull-me-close/push-me-away I can bear…
wow. Both of you are being so strong and beautiful. Only good can come of all that love. Trust what you know is right. I am sad to hear that you hear that you are being told you are acting in a way that makes other people uncomfortable. Why can't people see how rare and beautiful that kind of gushing love is? I think sometimes that in the same place as my friend April, it all might overwhelm me. April, sweetheart, I love you dear. You have grown tremendously, and as always, I am awed and inspired. Kisses.
I think Joey said what I was thinking and feeling at the end of your post. I think Crystal makes a good point that big love can be scary for some people. Also, personality type plays into it. Some people like the “big love” in waves breaking away for rest here and there.
Also, my ego is self protective of the soft center of my heart. So many people feel wounded, judged, and burdened by the expectation of holding up their conditioning. They would break free of all of that, but do not know how to do it. Look at how we struggle. It is a birth process I feel. They are no different maybe even more frightened.
I am and have been in the position of not knowing what to do with the love I feel. The key and blessing has been channeling into something and not expecting anything to reflect back to me. So making big outrageous gifts of love in a variety of ways from my genuine self and just sending it where it wants to go without care. It cannot and will not be used as an attractor to expect someone or something to give back anything. The joy is in the giving of it I have noticed. When I notice, it feels beautiful, sexy, delicious and ever so kind. Nice to know that never has to end. I have also noticed that I contanstantly forget to notice this.
People will protect themselves. Men in particular recoil because freedom is of primary importance to a man, and many will protect it or their perception of it with all their might.
So I am choosing to be the lover that is so stupid that he never knew that he was supposed to receive anything back or have any special experience. He was too drunk with the love to know that anything was supposed to happen as the love s\he is whirls through the universe.
So, empty, this lover discovers all the mysterious ways the world can manifes love surprised every time unlimited by any thoughts of what it looks like. S\He is an artist who paints and knows not what s\he paints, how it will get painted, or why. Love, life just bubbles up through her spontaneously sensing each opportunity to give it no matter how small or big. The girl in the check out line that smiles,, the cause that hugs you for your big gift of time or money. There are so many ways to love dear and you have them all. Seems like you have a lot of work to do to find all the ways. I certainly do.
Thank you so much for the writings and quotes!
z
If there is no one to love in physical proximity, then sometimes, I like to visualize a small globe in front of my hand, and I send loving energy in the form of colored light to the world.
Or sometimes, I go to the park, hug trees, kiss them and caress them and visualize myself having multiple bodies and hugginh all the trees simultaneously. Recently, I even bought a globe and now I kiss it and hug it every day.
Also, sometimes, the way we like to give love, and others might differ, both on a moment-to-moment basis and also as a general pattern. So, we might then have a conflict. This is where The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman comes in handy. Here's a direct link to all the editions:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=THE+FIVE+LOVE+LANGUAGES
Sometimes we like to hug and kiss, and all they want is a compliment.
Sometimes, we like to praise, but they really want our loving touch.