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evolution
October 2008 
The Invisible Girl
Posted on May 21st, 2008
by 
Blessing Conspirator
Blessing Conspirator
"By means of all created things, without exception, the divine assails us,
penetrates us, and molds us. We imagined it as distant and inaccessible,
whereas in fact we live steeped in its burning layers ." - Pierre Teilhard de
Chardin, *The Divine Milieu*
"Let the body think of the spirit as streaming, pouring, rushing and
shining into it from all aides."-Plotinus
I feel as though I have lost my mojo, my magic, my direct line to Presence.
I want to feel steeped in the penetrating, assailing, rushing, shining Divine
Love again. Instead of feeling the burning of my connection to the Divine,
both as bliss and as the burning away of the dead and the dying within me,
I feel empty, separate, lost in the labrynth of ego thought and emotion.
Two months ago I attained a new level of awakening and opening to the
Divine and an experience of Oneness. The awakening attracted/initiated
several positive transformations in my life that have brought me immense
joy, but have also been so intense and overwhelming that I lost my center.
Now I feel as though I have lost what I had achieved. I've been trying to
nurture my Divine connection again, doing all the same things that worked
before. But nothing is working for more than a few moments or hours.
I keep returning to the worn out track of oldegoic thinking, running circles
around my mind. I've also been feeling the desire to pull in, close up,
shut down, and hide from the more difficult feelings I am having. I think I
have an idea of why I'm having this experience...
There is an Invisible Girl inside of me. A girl who once truly believed she
could not be seen or heard. Or more accurately, believed that no one wanted
to see or hear her. She grew up in the overpowering shadow of a narcissist
mother who would often ignore her when she tried to speak, who would not
allow her to express difficult emotions out loud, who was jealous when
she succeeded, and who made it perfectly clear that she was small and
unimportant. As the invisible girl grew into adulthood, she found ways to
make herself big in the world once in awhile, through poetry and art, through
empathic and healing experiences with those she loved. She had a few bright
lights in her life who recognized her and what she had to give. But mostly
she was a wallflower, always on the fringes, sitting quiet, waiting for those
moments when someone would notice her. She held back what she had to
share out of fear that no one wanted it. She didn't tell her stories because
she didn't believe anyone wanted to hear them. She didn't give in to silly,
fun impulses because if she was seen at all, she didn't want to be seen as
a fool. Because she didn't know any better, she attracted friends and lovers
who were also narcissists, or so broken that they were not capable of
giving the love and attention she craved. So her sense of invisibility grew until
she decided to hide away in a marriage where she at least had the security
that one person truly saw her and desired what he saw even if she had to
keep herself small to make the marriage work.
The Invisible Girl doesn't know what to do with all the love & attention that
has suddenly been showered upon her the last two months. She has been
so hungry for recognition, for someone to reflect her bigness back to her,
and now there are many who do. I feel her inside, grasping for every drop of
attention and validation she can get. It's as if she's jumping up and down in
my heart, shouting, "They can see me, they can see me." But instead of just
enjoying and settling into it, she feels like she has to keep jumping, keep
shouting, keep making herself seen and heard. I feel her worrying that her
visibility is temporary, that it will be taken away and she'll be all alone again.
She doesn't know how to trust that she is loved during the moments those
who love her are not making their love visible to her. She doesn't know how to
trust that the love will keep growing.
The Invisible Girl is most in need of my connection to Presence and Oneness.
She is the one who most needs to be healed by the biggest love that there is,
Divine Love, Universal Love, the Love that embodies everything that is. She is
the one resisting the return to the awakened and open state. She is the one
most afraid of openness. She believes she must cling, she must hoard,
she must close her hands around those that see her so she will continue existing.
Access: PublicTagged with: evolution, transformation, shadow, growth, relationship, love, mysticism, presence, oneness
it feels like loss when we cannot return to that state of bliss again.
I know what it's like.
w7
April, I'm touched by what you share here - and, may I add, in spite of all I also enjoy the beautiful way you're sharing it - you're a great writer! :)
I've had similar experiences. I suppose everybody who has experienced great openings and breakthroughs has had them. Someone once said that it's a natural process, this what feels like a relapse, a falling out of grace - the brighter the light, the darker the shadow… or, in other words, when we open up and grow and expand, the old, the narrow, the tight parts of ourselves will be more obvious as well, and more painful when we slide back into them. We have spend a life time creating our patterns and beliefs and clouding our energy with thick, sticky black clusters of fears and hateful thoughts and judgments and unloving beliefs and so on… they usually don't all go away at once… they're still there, waiting for when the energy goes down again… only very few of us are capable of keeping a high level of energy for the rest of their lives, once we've gotten a glimpse of what is possible. Most of us slowly sink back into the energy levels we have gotten used to. I doubt that this has to do anything with doing things 'wrong' or 'failing'.
I don't know 'why' these things happen. But what I know, from experience, so far, is that these fears are part of our lower energy level - the fear of not ever being able to be that open again, write that well again, be that present again, ever be creative again… it's just fear. Most of us don't seem to be able to live in a state of grace and bliss, the high energy level of LOVE, for all the time.
Maybe it's about learning to be present with no matter what occurs. Taking care of that dark stuff inside that needs to be cleaned up. Maybe being present is not a synonym for being fulfilled and balanced and trusting life and love and people and getting what we wish for most… not unless we take care of the places we haven't gotten to really taking care of yet. Our shadow parts. Where we are not love and not light, where we don't want to look, who we don't want to be.
To me, your experience of up and down sounds quite natural. Looking from the outside, and from my personal condition of intense ups and downs and mood swings and the need to keep letting go of whatever I though I had now understood or achieved, looking from that place at what you go through sounds simply familiar. Painfully familiar, I might add.
Losing my center is what happens to me quite regularly, especially in times of huge emotional breakthroughs and intense connections with others.
I don't know about you, how similar your energy pattern is to mine, so I don't know whether any of this applies to what you're experiencing. But I can relate to the pain and the fear of feeling separate and lost, and especially to not wanting to feel that way! :)
Much love to you, April!
This, too, shall pass. And I think, the more you give it space and dive deeply into the depth of what is going on, the more you will enjoy the ride. Let me know if there is anything I can do to support you. Please feel free to be in touch.
Gabriele
I was going to add a comment, then read the others, and found that my response was similar to Gabriele's, and she put it more eloquently than I would have - considering I'm smack in the middle of grieving my own joyousness right now.
What I was thinking earlier this week is that while I have been consciously gushing out the goodness that I feel, sometimes it's hard to keep pulling that up when hardness around me continues and continues. I don't really think anything major has changed with me, I just got tired this week. And so I let myself sink for a couple of days, rather than pretend, which makes me spiritually exhuasted.
Anyway, my response to your message, beautiful Ophelia, is that it seems like you're having a down time, and that seems like a natural thing. …and beautiful in it's natural-ness. I'm so glad that you *know* that many of us out here in the world cherish you in all your shades of light and dark (and sometimes especially because of the dark).
I loved your very aware exploration of another April facet which needs to be known and considered: your invisible girl inside. Your exercise is so healthy, I am envious of your awareness of her and the time you have put into trying to know her so that you know yourself better.
Thank you always for your words that touch me as though you're holding my hand while you're telling me your tale. Kisses!
Thank you, Wanderer, Gabriele and Crystal for your supportive words. I know I'm on the turning wheel, peak and valley, peak and valley. It's wonderful to have friends who can comfort when one is walking the valleys to remind us of the truth of our ok-ness.
Fortunately, I also know that some of what I have been feeling is hormonal. I started my moon yesterday after having missed one last month, which always throws things further out of whack than they usually are. I imagine things will look and feel very different in a day or two. I'm really looking forward to healing my hormonal issues so that I can feel more secure in knowing when my emotions are real and not so exaggerated by biological imbalances.
I see the gift in solitude right now, and the necessity of it as I prepare to be present to my family and their complicated energies this week as they descend for my son's high school graduation. I also realize that I might be ignoring some feelings about the impending graduation that I need to honor and process. There will be another blog post about that.
Anyway, I am grateful for the presence and contribution of each of you to my journey.
Blissings, April