“The soul--which I'm defining as our capacity for
these deeply positive human qualities--is something
that, in most of us, desperately needs to be
developed. Too many of us live in a fractured state,
deeply divided against ourselves--often far more so
than we are aware of or able to feel. We exist in a
self-generated vacuum of moral ambiguity, where
everything is relative and our attention is focused
mainly on our emotional state. Most of us know a lot
more about what really matters than we are willing to
live up to. Indeed, we are attracted to that which is
beautiful, profound, and meaningful but find ourselves
lacking the soul strength to really struggle, to
engage in a life-and-death wrestling match with our
own division, cynicism, and inertia. The awful truth
is that it is just easier for us not to care that
much. In order to care that much, we have to be
willing to feel a connection with life that is so deep
that it hurts. We have to be ready to step onto the
field of our own experience in a way that is
authentic, unconditional, and deeply committed--to
embrace a kind of fearless vulnerability where our
transparency is our strength and the living experience
of connection is permanent, unbroken, and
inescapable.”  Andrew Cohen








 

Fearless vulnerability...this phrase resonates within me with a great 
trembling truth. It is a quality of being that I am being called to live 
and it scares me. I am resisting.  
 

I am piecing together the connections of various experiences I'm 
having, finally seeing the deeper pattern that has been causing me 
heartache the last couple weeks. I have been contracting and now I 
understand why.
 

Until last night, I hadn't seen the context of my relationship attachment 
issues, which have only gotten worse, within the pending arrival of 
my parents. I had an insight that the reason I am so attached to the 
experiences I have with my lover is because he gives me such a 
purity of attention. He not only sees the Invisible Girl, he recognizes 
her, appreciates her, and is open to witnessing every single aspect 
of her. I can be all of myself with him. And I can be very little of myself 
with my parents because I'm hardly seen by my parents, which breaks 
my heart over and over and over again. They created and they reinforce 
the Invisible Girl. I haven't had to deal with this heartbreak in person 
for several years. And now it comes crashing over me with tremendous 
sadness and frustration at the same time that I have all these other big 
situation and feelings in my life. I need a mom and dad right now and
yet I cannot turn to them in that capacity.
 

I know I have to let go of this desire, this hope, this fantasy that some 
day my parents will break out of their narcissism (mom) and 
emotional detachment (dad) and actually want to engage with me 
authentically; that some day they will want to know about my life, share 
my passions, show pride in my accomplishments, and love me
through my hearbreaks. Intellectually, I know it will never happen 
and that I am only creating suffering by wanting something 
different than what is. But I am human and I hunger to be seen 
and cared for by my mom and dad. I wonder if I will 
ever be capable of not hungering for this.

 

I came out to my dad today. I've known I am bisexual for 15 years 
and I just told him today. Why? Because my dad is a conservative 
Christian who believes homosexuality is a sin. And when I am 
honest with him about the things in my life that he consideres sinful, 
he ignores and denies them. So until now, what would have been
the point in coming out since I haven't partnered with a woman 
(which is the only way my queer lifestyle would effect him)?
But I am co-chair of Humboldt Pride and there is a giant rainbow flag 
sculpture in my kitchen that he couldn't ignore. At lunch today he 
asked me about the relevance of the colors (he actually didn't know 
what a rainbow flag represents), so I told him about my involvement 
in Pride and that I got involved both in support of my son (who came 
out as gay to my family when he was 12, although dad seemed to 
have forgotten that when I brought it up today....like I said, he lives in 
denial) and because I am bisexual. He had no comments, just took 
it all in. It probably won't come up again. It'll just be filed away in the 
place he keeps all the details about my life that he doesn't like.

 

My mom will be arriving tomorrow and she is the bigger problem, 
not just because she shows no interest in my life or what matters 
to me, but because she's also found a way to  dominate the family's
attention for the weekend, even though my son's graduation should 
be the center of our attention. She has a funky skin condition that 
cannot be treated because they can find no medical reason for it. 
My mom has had something physically wrong with her for as long 
as I can remember. When one ailment ends, another soon follows.
That she has created something untreatable 
doesn't surprise me at all. It's part of her narcissist pattern, to keep 
the attention on her and people taking care of her. She is filled with 
self pity about her appearance (it started on her head, which she 
shaves regularly and wears a wig to hide in public, and has now 
spread to the rest of her body). She called my son last week to ask 
him if she shouldn't come because her appearance may be 
disturbing or embarrassing to him/us. What on earth makes her think 
it's ok to my son in that position? What's he supposed to say? 
Of course he said he wants her here for his special day no matter 
what. And now I sit here wondering how her energy is going to effect 
the family and the graduation experience. My son attends a small 
school, he has a class of about 18 students. The graduation 
ceremony/reception will be intimate, not a place we can hide in the
crowd unnoticed. 

 

Oh, and then there's the fact my parents don't speak to each other 
and are very awkward with one another, so that'll make things 
interesting in itself.
 

I have this tiny family that is full of woundedness. It sucks...and it 
explains why I would cling with everything I have to those who give 
me visibility, who show appreciation for who I am as a human being.

I also see that it's an opportunity to grow into fearless vulnerability. 
To end my suffering, I must release my hopes, expectations, fantasies, 
and judgments to accept and love my parents exactly as they are. 
I must let go of the idea that I need to be truly seen by them to be a 
healthy, happy and whole person. I must open my heart to them as 
fully as I am opening it to everyone else in my life, knowing they will 
never be able to reciprocate. I must learn to love them 
the same way I seek to love my friends and lovers...without 
attachment to how they respond to my love or to me. If I can do it
with them, I can do it with anyone. 

The Impropriety Society's Cherries Jubilee event was a smashing success! It was visually stunning, the performances were hot, everyone I spoke to was immensely joyful, there was tons of play taking place, and we even broke even financially. There were also dreams that came true for both staff and guests, and many happy first experiences for people craving a safe place to express themselves. We even had guests from the Bay area, which is six hours away, because the community building we did before the event really impressed people and the word spread.

What we do is pretty unique and I strongly believe it is because we put conscious intention into both the physical and emotional space that we create. At the end of this blog post I share the intention statements with which we begin each meeting and the event itself, as well as the sharing I gave at our staff meeting that explains why I am so deeply invested in what we do (during which we had an earthquake that originated from a place nearby where one has never happened before, which felt pretty frickin' metaphorically serendipitous and magical!).

For me personally the event was amazing and a reward for a lot of work and hard won growth.  As a leader, a role I am only beginning to become comfortable in, I was full of pride for my staff who went above and beyond to connect with guests and create a vibe that had everyone expressing gratitude for the beauty of it. All night long I heard how comfortable people felt, how friendly the staff was, and how beautiful the space was (we decorated simple and classy with luscious fabrics, flowering tree branches, lights and art).

I feel extreme gratitude for my two partners because we were well balanced in the talents and skills we brought to the parntership, we shared responsibility easily and we were very decisive and productive when we met. Everything went smoothly, which speaks to the level of our preparation. I also feel incredibly blessed to get to spend so much time with and create with these two beautiful, strong, smart, generous women who share my passion for changing the world by supporting healthy and positive sexuality.

I was more socially comfortable than I have ever been in my life...talking to lots of people (never, ever standing on the wall as an observer), giving hugs and kisses and cuddles, and even playing spin the bottle with some dice that made things far racier than just kissing. Surrounded by so much love, especially my close friends and lovers on staff, I felt confident, sexy, strong and wanted. I felt wanted and loved. I felt seen and appreciated for the bigness of who I am. I felt like I was truly a part of a community, a tribe, a family. It was/is so very, very good. I wish everyone in the world had this experience of belongingness. I truly do. I hope we provide for as many people as we are capable.

Impropriety Society Intention Statements


















 

As a staff, we set the conscious intention to act as a community, to encourage 
and support every staff member, whether we've been friends for years or we've 
met for the first time through this event. We set the intention for inclusiveness; 
respecting and celebrating the diversity of every member and the roles they fill.
 
We intend to respect each other's expertise and the gifts each person has to offer. 
We intend to check our egos at the door and bring a spirit of love into the space. 
We intend to work through and rise above personal agendas or difficult issues in 
order to work as a team. 

For our community, we set the intention of creating and holding sacred space for 
safe play, passionate pleasure, and open and free sexual and creative expression. 
We honor the authenticity of those who enter the space, without judgment, as long 
as they do not cause harm to another. We recognize that we are honored and 
privileged to provide our community with a safe container in which to experiment 
and courageously face their insecurities and fears. And we consciously accept 
the responsibility of the trust we are given to provide that physical and emotional 
safety. 
  















What I shared at the staff meeting....
    


















So I know it's pretty geeky to actually have a little speech written but I'm very 
nervous about talking to the group and want to make sure I communicate 
what's on my heart. For those of you in the room who are new and might be 
feeling some insecurities about being surrounded by such amazing people, 
as I once did, know that some of us old timers are just as insecure in our new 
roles in organizing this group. All of us are risking some sense of vulnerability by 
being here and it makes me feel better to acknowledge that out loud. 
 


























I just want to speak a moment to the reason why I've committed to serving 
this community and the bigger picture of what we do. I don't know if you've all 
read the about us page at our website, but I want to emphasize an aspect of it. 

We say that "Sex is so potent, powerful, and special that we feel it should be acknowledged and celebrated as an enormous force capable of creating good
in the world (earthquake!). The Impropriety Society is committed to nurturing
sacred space for sexual expression in all of its glorious manifestations. Things
deemed sacred are regarded with reverence and generally thought of as good;
however, many people have ideas about sex that set it apart from the sacred,
and view it as dirty, bad, sick, nasty, and evil. Our goal is to remove the negative
stigma around sex. Through active, conscious creation, we aim to create space
in which sex in its many forms can come out of the dark taboo of profanity and
into the light of the sacred through dance, music, performance, play, kink, f*ck,
and love." 

Although it seems like what we provide is a really great and sexy party, it is 
so much more than that for many who participate. We are providing a community 
service, albeit an unusual one. We provide the safe physical and emotional space 
for people to express their deepest, most authentic selves. We provide 
encouragement for people to explore parts of themselves, sexually and creatively, 
that they may have repressed in fear and insecurity for most, if not all, of their lives. 
We offer the opportunity for people to make connections with other people who 
are turned on by the same things that they are. We are inviting people out of isolation 
and fear, into love and acceptance. We are inviting them to share themselves with 
us and each other. Invitation, acceptance, openness....these are all ideas to hold 
in your mind when you watch and interact with people.




























Whatever your role, from dj to dungeon monitor, and whatever your reasons for 
working with us, your conscious participation in establishing a nurturing, pleasurable 
space is essential to our overall success.  We have the opportunity through this 
event to contribute to the positive evolution of both individuals and our community 
as a whole. 

I came across this quote recently...

"When an old culture is dying, the new is created by a few people who are not 
afraid to be insecure." Rudolf Bahro 

Where do our deepest insecurities lie? In intimate relationship, in truly connecting 
with other human beings. We are afraid we will be seen to be lacking or unlovable 
in some way; we are afraid no one wants to love the real, authentic us...that we 
are too weird, too edgy, too perverted to be worthy of love and attention. But there 
are 50 of us in this room willing to be insecure about our bodies or our ways of 
having sex or watching other people have sex our even ways of contributing the 
event. We are living on the edge of our fear, creating new culture based on 
creativity, positive sexuality and healthy loving.  










This event is an opportunity for other people to face thier fears, to allow themselves 
to risk--but not too much--because they know that we have their back. They are safe. 
And then they realize that we are actually excited to see them come out of their shells, 
that we actually want to share this experience with them and they become part of 
our community, growing this new culture we're building.

Thank you for indulging my need to address this particular aspect of what we do. 
I know everyone here has a different reason for being here. Some are similar to mine, 
some are very different. I respect them all. I just ask that you use that reason, 
whatever it is that turns you on and makes you happy, as fuel for the conscious 
thought and emotion you put into your contribution to the event. 

Today Nicola posted this...

What do I want today? What drives me the most? What is in my heart in this moment?

To know God. Deeply, fully and intimately.

I really needed to be reminded of the source of my own longing, the source of everything in me. I have been so distracted by the production of Cherries Jubilee, craziness at work, and the abundance of friendship and attention I’ve been receiving that I lost my center. I have not intentionally maintained presence nor given conscious attention to my spiritual practices in more than two weeks. I have not maintained consciousness of how everything I do is about deepening my relationship to the Divine. I have remained in the moment but become less present. As a result I have unintentionally hurt feelings with some of my choices, the come down of being on my own again this week has been difficult, and I am getting lost in egoic thinking/feeling.

I am being gentle on myself, just recognizing my reality. I am in a learning process, having never had the capacity to give all of myself to anything before. It will take time for me to establish balance. But it’s no fun to face the shadows. The damn wheel just keeps on turning, peak and valley, peak and valley. I am deep in the valley.

In particular I have been caught up in an old pattern concerning relationship. Now that my empathy has opened fully again, I find myself possibly confusing empathic experiences as a manifestation of deeper relationship and the intensity junkie in me wants to nurture the most magical connections at the expense of others. I am forming an intense attachment to someone with whom I have the strongest empathic connection I’ve had in many years. I believe that I am falling in love with him, but I am also aware of this pattern I have to become empathically attached to a wounded soul and confuse the intensity of connection for more than it actually is. I do not have clear boundaries between the healer and the lover in me and I’m not entirely sure how to establish them. This was the source of much of my emotional upheaval in the relationships before my marriage and perhaps even one of the core issues in my marriage now that I reflect on it. Although I have this awareness of the underlying pattern, I am still succumbing to it, although at least not obsessively like I did before.

What I’m discovering is that even though I have grown by leaps and bounds, the old patterns are still there, they are just more subtle, requiring a deeper level of awareness. I am also learning how important spiritual discipline is in order to maintain that deeper awareness and presence to everything I am experiencing (I know this is obvious but it’s that difference between what I know intellectually and what I’ve been able to translate to experience). It is too easy to lose touch with the mystic in me when life becomes so full of activity.

This is especially important since I am facing being without a job in six weeks now that I’ve learned the agency isn’t filling a recently vacated position that I had hoped to apply for until the end of the year. There have been very few opportunities in the community to apply for. I am worried that I may finally have to compromise on working for a nonprofit or other service agency, because my family cannot afford for me to lose one day of work, let alone the weeks or months it could take to find another nonprofit position. I am very frustrated because I feel like I have been teased by the Universe with possibilities to grow professionally and now I may have to settle for less just to keep making money. I am frustrated because I am sending my son off to Spain, California Summer School for the Arts and college this summer and I need resources. I am also supposed to moving out on my own and no longer dependent on my ex for the little financial support he provides. There is tremendous pressure. I’ve been following every guidance I’ve been given since the layoff notice came. I’ve been trusting and surrendering. But the clock is counting down and I don’t know how centered I can remain if I have to face being unable to pay the bills in July. Today I just want to cry.

So, when I get home from work today and for the rest of the weekend I will nurture my connection to the Divine and realign with my center, as well as work towards developing a daily spiritual practice that suits me and will help me remain in Presence more consistently in both the peaks and valleys. Although there is a part of me that wants to hang out with friends all the time, I have to recognize that I need to retreat and build myself back up again or things will only get more complicated and I will suffer more. It’s time to live in integrity with what I say my greatest priority is: being a conscious manifestation of the Divine in the world and nurturing an intimate relationship with the Mystery.

"By means of all created things, without exception, the divine assails us, 
penetrates us, and molds us. We imagined it as distant and inaccessible, 
whereas in fact we live steeped in its burning layers ." - Pierre Teilhard de 
Chardin, *The Divine Milieu*
 
"Let the body think of the spirit as streaming, pouring, rushing and 
shining into it from all aides."-Plotinus










   

I feel as though I have lost my mojo, my magic, my direct line to Presence. 
I want to feel steeped in the penetrating, assailing, rushing, shining Divine 
Love again. Instead of feeling the burning of my connection to the Divine, 
both as bliss and as the burning away of the dead and the dying within me, 
I feel empty, separate, lost in the labrynth of ego thought and emotion. 

Two months ago I attained a new level of awakening and opening to the 
Divine and an experience of Oneness. The awakening attracted/initiated 
several positive transformations in my life that have brought me immense 
joy, but have also been so intense and overwhelming that I lost my center. 
Now I feel as though I have lost what I had achieved. I've been trying to 
nurture my Divine connection again, doing all the same things that worked 
before. But nothing is working for more than a few moments or hours. 
I keep returning to the worn out track of oldegoic thinking, running circles 
around my mind. I've also been feeling the desire to pull in, close up, 
shut down, and hide from the more difficult feelings I am having. I think I 
have an idea of why I'm having this experience...



 

There is an Invisible Girl inside of me. A girl who once truly believed she 
could not be seen or heard. Or more accurately, believed that no one wanted 
to see or hear her. She grew up in the overpowering shadow of a narcissist 
mother who would often ignore her when she tried to speak, who would not 
allow her to express difficult emotions out loud, who was jealous when
she succeeded, and who made it perfectly clear that she was small and 
unimportant. As the invisible girl grew into adulthood, she found ways to 
make herself big in the world once in awhile, through poetry and art, through 
empathic and healing experiences with those she loved. She had a few bright
lights in her life who recognized her and what she had to give. But mostly 
she was a wallflower, always on the fringes, sitting quiet, waiting for those 
moments when someone would notice her. She held back what she had to 
share out of fear that no one wanted it. She didn't tell her stories because 
she didn't believe anyone wanted to hear them. She didn't give in to silly, 
fun impulses because if she was seen at all, she didn't want to be seen as 
a fool. Because she didn't know any better, she attracted friends and lovers 
who were also narcissists, or so broken that they were not capable of 
giving the love and attention she craved. So her sense of invisibility grew until 
she decided to hide away in a marriage where she at least had the security 
that one person truly saw her and desired what he saw even if she had to 
keep herself small to make the marriage work.  
 

The Invisible Girl doesn't know what to do with all the love & attention that 
has suddenly been showered upon her the last two months. She has been 
so hungry for recognition, for someone to reflect her bigness back to her, 
and now there are many who do. I feel her inside, grasping for every drop of 
attention and validation she can get. It's as if she's jumping up and down in
my heart, shouting, "They can see me, they can see me." But instead of just 
enjoying and settling into it, she feels like she has to keep jumping, keep 
shouting, keep making herself seen and heard. I feel her worrying that her 
visibility is temporary, that it will be taken away and she'll be all alone again. 
She doesn't know how to trust that she is loved during the moments  those 
who love her are not making their love visible to her. She doesn't know how to 
trust that the love will keep growing.   
 

The Invisible Girl is most in need of my connection to Presence and Oneness. 
She is the one who most needs to be healed by the biggest love that there is, 
Divine Love, Universal Love, the Love that embodies everything that is. She is 
the one resisting the return to the awakened and open state. She is the one 
most afraid of openness. She believes she must cling, she must hoard, 
she must close her hands around those that see her so she will continue existing. 

It occurred to me last night, when contemplating my dark mood, that I may be am having some painful feelings about my son's imminent departure from my home that I've been suppressing or otherwise not realizing were there due to all the other bigness in my life right now (layoff, new business, relationships, etc.). Duh. I mean really, how did I not see this coming? Maybe I've also been caught up in the excitement of his impending adventures. More than anything I am truly excited to imagine the new life he will be walking into at Columbia University. This mama bird really wants her baby to fly. But his life isn't the only one that is going to be changing and I realize there is a natural quality of grief that comes with this situation that I have not been honoring, or letting myself feel at all. Maybe I've actually been subconsciously trying to hide from it.

I have lived with this soul since I was 17 years old. Every single decision, big or small, I have ever made since I was 17 years old has considered him. Every day of my adult life has included him in some way. And next Sunday, that will suddenly change forever.

He graduates from high school on Friday. Then he leaves for Spain for three weeks on Sunday. Then he goes to the California Summer School for the Arts for five weeks (for creative writing). He'll be home for four weeks late summer, but I imagine nearly every moment will be spent with his friends before they all fly into their new lives. So really, this is the last week of normal life with my son in my home and I suddenly realize this is not so easy to face after all.

See, I've had myself convinced I would make this transition easily. I've raised my children for independence since day one.  As a single mother, for my own sanity, I had to. I had to have a healthy balance of them and me. I had to create every opportunity to live my own life while raising them. I had to nurture the desire and strength in them to take care of themselves in the ways that they could.  If I know my children are safe with someone who loves them, I can leave them for days or weeks to focus on other things--like my bliss work, traveling, whatever--without really missing them or worrying about them. There is no clinging on either side of our relationship. We are secure in our love -- and we are passionate creators and relators who have much to give the world outside of our family unit. We respect and appreciate that about each other.

And there's the part of me that's been looking forward to this day because I've never been an adult without also being a mom. I don't know what it is to live on my own, to have a life that isn't centered around children. So I've been assuming letting go wouldn't be an issue.

But I realize that I am going to miss him so much. It's not about relinquishing this stage of my mothering with him, I've already done that. It's the fact that this person isn't going to be in my daily life anymore. It's going to be so much quieter--no more crazy voices or singing or loud music or boisterous opinions. I won't be tuned in to his emotional world at the same level, so I might not know when I need to reach out. He won't be popping into my room randomly to share some friend or movie or music news with me. I'll need to buy less groceries and I won't have to shop for his particular tastes. There won't be any more struggles over transportation. There will be no more sibling rivalry, the little bickerings throughout the day that can drive a mom absolutely batty. There won't be running feet and laughter in sibling games. There won't be the clutter of his take over of 1/3 of the livingroom with his computer and school stuff.  I'll have to start mopping the kitchen floor and vacuuming and do the dishes again (his chores).
 
I won't see him, hear him, smell him, hug him, talk to him, cook for him, eat with him, drive him, shop for/with him, fight for him, argue with him, watch movies with him, listen to music with him, talk about art while making it with him, walk into the room with him or for him every day any more.

Oh my god. I had no idea how deeply I feel this grief already. The tears are flowing. I gotta go be with this.  Thanks for listening and holding space for me to open up to this.  

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief." ~ Kahlil Gibran