Love & Attachment

"The power of love came into me,
and I became fierce like a lion,
then tender like the evening star." Rumi

I am learning much about myself as I open myself to the polyamorous lifestyle. I am seeing how much I have evolved concerning relationship, intimacy and attachment. And I see how I still need to evolve, let go, claim presence.

I used to be obsessive and clingy, even when I attempted polyamory the first time around. I didn't know how to just let a relationship be, without trying to box it up into some defined experience. I didn't know how to be in love without trying to make it my primary relationship in some form or fashion. I had lots of expectations about what words, actions and behaviors were supposed to mean and imply about the future. I lived in attachment.

What I'm experiencing now is very interesting. Mostly, my witness sees attachment arise now and then, or old ideas about how relationship is supposed to be (or the need to feel special), and then I realize that those attachments and ideas are not who I am anymore and I can just let them go.  Most of the time it's as if I'm immediately responding with what I think I'm supposed to feel instead of what I actually feel and then I realize: hey, I don't really feel that. Like jealousy. My cultural and other conditioning says that I should be jealous when the person I feel a very deep connection with tells me about time given to other lovers; I should worry that there isn't enough to be shared; or I should compare myself to the others and try to come out on top as more special in some way. Something will be said or done that my ego immediately reacts to, but usually the witness follows almost instantly and I realize that is not who I am anymore.

And then there are the few moments where the thoughts and feelings to be processed go deeper. There are moments when old wounds echo in my heart, old fears arise, and the desire to belong overwhelms me. There are moments that I realize I am forming attachment to someone and it is not the right or best thing for either of us right now.

I happened across this today...

"When we are attached to a certain person, place or thing we lose perspective on the purpose they serve in our lives. For instance, if you are attached to a person you leave little room for growth as that attachment will lead you to your fears of jealousy, betrayal and abandonment. It is when you let go of these attachments that they become free to show you who you really are, as they are but a mirror of who you are in life. And so let go of all attachments and this will help you to move forward in life. There is no one person who is anymore important than another, as We are All ONE. ONE in God's eyes, and ONE in your own eyes if you recognize the Truth that ALL is LOVE, from LOVE and of LOVE. There is so much love and respect for each and every one of you, let go of your attachments and find God in each and every person, place and thing you come into contact with." Kathleen Mulligan

Ultimately, I know I am loved, cherished, appreciated and desired. What more do I need than that? How much physical relating I do doesn't diminish that reality. Whether my lover shares themselves with others doesn't diminish that reality. The love and friendship is there no matter how much time we spend together or who else we share ourselves with.

"We are creatures who are married to the great unknown,
we are creatures who are married to loss...

Life is making a house of belonging...

Life is infinitely merciful and it is constantly coming to our door
to invite us out into much larger homes than we imagine
we can belong to in the first place."  David Whyte