I plan for the end of this month, September 30th to be exact, to manifest in my little corner of the world as the largest and most successful Pride Festival this county has ever seen. I plan for every detail to fall into place perfectly between now and then. And I plan to inspire and support my Board in keeping their spirits and energies high until the end.

We're doing great. We're right on budget with both income and expenses, which is a big success for a new and inexperienced Board!  We're right on time with all the organizational elements so far. My only real concern is that we won't have as many volunteers we need the day of the event, making for a more hectic and longer day for those who've already put everything they have into the event.

At the Crossroads Dispatches blog I found out about this...


As well as perhaps the most compelling reason to participate...

"Is it inappropriate or disrespectful to take the day off, reflect, and express your dissent (quietly and personally or loudly and publicly) or rather to go about your business as if this was just another a normal day?" - General Strike 9/11

Which also led to this...


9/11/07 Global Day of Action

I will not forget to think about how large and ambitious a project will be before I commit to creating it on my own.  

Today every muscle in my arms and legs is sore. My kitchen is a big mess. I am building a giant sculpture, of a flag waving in the wind, for our float for the Pride Festival. Of course it will be painted in rainbow stripes. It has been an ordeal to get the thing designed and built this weekend, especially considering I've never done this before (hence, why I need to remember to be prepared for the resulting obstacles and frustrations). The creative problem solving required has made my brain as sore as my body.  : )

The frame is six foot by six foot by one foot. The flag extends on one end for another foot or so. The wavy flag shape is made of chicken wire. And I'm in the process of finishing the cloth mache. I still have one side to cover this afternoon. I'm pushing to get it done today because it needs to be dry for painting by next sunday--our community work day. And doing this kind of work after a full day at my regular job would be damn hard.

On the other hand, this kind of project is absolute bliss for me. I love art making, especially that has a purpose. I love getting messy and the combination of mind, heart, and body that are required for such a project. I love putting out so much energy out of love for my community. This is where Flow exists for me, even with the frustrations. I have to be entirely in the moment, which provides a sense of peace and contentment I rarely experience elsewhere in life.

I just wasn't prepared for the time and physical intensity of the project. I've never done something this big before. The memories of this weekend will be a reminder of what I'm committing to when I volunteer for something like this in the future.
 

Lovely quote I stumbled across today...

"I teach selfishness. I want you to be, first, your own flowering. Yes, it will appear as selfishness; I have no objection to that appearance; it is okay with me. But is the rose selfish when it blossoms? Is the lotus selfish when it blossoms? Is the sun selfish when it shines? Why should you be worried about selfishness?

You are born - birth is only an opportunity, just a beginning, not an end. You have to flower. Your first and foremost responsibility is to blossom, to become fully conscious, aware, alert; and in that consciousness you will be able to see what you can share, how you can solve problems." - The Book of Understanding, OSHO

I am inspired by Karen's post about 100 things I would like to do, have, be, or experience before leaving this beautiful planet. I want to see how far I can go on the fly.

1. Learn to weld at home for sculpture (and get a house with a garage and/or studio space).
2. Learn to throw clay on a potter's wheel.
3. Fill the handmade book for my poetry my sister gave me for Christmas a few years ago.
4. Travel to and possibly work in Africa.
5. Travel to see the butterflies in Belize.
6. Write my memoir.
7. Learn to play hand drums.
8. Participate in drum circles.
9. Go to Earthdance.
10. See Tori Amos in concert.
11. Learn to live love in every moment.
12. Come to full awareness of myself and my place in the All.
13. Travel with my children.
14. Witness my children fulfill as many of their dreams as possible.
15. Continue good relationships with my children and make them even better.
16. Be kindness.
17. Be generosity.
18. Learn to turn every action into a creative action.
19. Design and create a set for a theater production.
20. Stage manage in the theater again.
21. Co-chair Humboldt Pride's Board to the best of my ability.
22. Co-create the biggest and most successful pride festival this county has ever seen.
23. Co-create a sustainable queer community center in this area.
24. Lose up to 100 pounds.
25. Make yoga a disciplined practice in my life.
26. Support women in transitioning from surviving to thriving.
27. Live the Good Mother archetype.
28. Build new intimate friendships that reflect who I am.
29. Build community in every aspect of my life.
30. Co-create a community art project with a healing purpose.
31. Expand the Conspiracy of Blessings.
32. Obtain enough abundance to become a full time giver.
33. Find a home with more light and a nice yard--and better landlords.
34. Get a master's degree in art therapy and spiritual counseling.
35. Travel with my sister.
36. Repair my relationship with my sister where it's needed; support each other in healing and transcending our mother's negative influence on our lives.
37. Learn to forgive my mother and love her without any investment in her ability to love me back.
38. Learn to paint well.
39. See my dad again (it's been over four years).
40. Help my son get into the college of his choice entirely on scholarships and grants.
41. Guide my daughter through adolescence successfully.
42. Live by the ocean.
43. Create a meaningful art installation and have it shown in a gallery.
44. Inspire my children with my life.
45. Continue giving to my community in every capacity I'm able.
46. Become comfortable with leadership.
47. Get over my social anxieties.
48. Learn to process my emotions properly.
49. Heal my IBS.
50. Heal my PCOS.
51. Learn how to argue without getting loud or mean.
52. Be more compassionate to my partner.
53. Learn healthy ways of communicating instead of being passive aggressive.
54. Get over the guilt...all of it.
55. Learn to have a healthy relationship with food.
56. Co-create an intentional community.
57. Help change the education system in our country.
58. Figure out how my own experience and understanding of empathy can have the greatest impact.
59. Co-create a spiritual and creative women's circle.
60. Be a good friend.
62. Be a good listener.
63. Help as many children as I possibly can grow up to believe in themselves and their innate lovability.
64. Travel to space.
65. Participate in raising the consciousness of our culture and our world.
66. Dance...a lot.
67. Sing...a lot.
68. Be a vocalist in a band (not looking for fame, local is fine).
69. Learn to cherish myself.
70. Write...a lot.
71. See the Polyphonic Spree in concert.
72. Visit the Louvre.
73. Visit the Salvador Dali museum.
74. Experience/witness as much of human beings being their godselves as humanly possible in every possible way.
75. Bring my intuitive abilities back to life and use them to support others.
76. Create my own Soul Collage deck.
77. Have coffee and conversation with Shiloh McCloud.
78. Cultivate a garden successfully, especially herbs and flowers.
79. Obtain a sewing machine and teach myself and my daughter to sew.
80. Make a wardrobe that truly expresses myself.
81. Live in the city--probably Portland.
82. Find or co-create a spiritual community that reflects who I am.
83. Find work that's fulfilling to me until I get my master's degree.
84. Spend one year of my life entirely focused on art making and writing.
85. Learn to make homemade bound books.
86. Make as light an imprint on the earth as I am able.
87. Have more time to cook.
88. Swim with dolphins with my daughter.
89. Learn another language.
90. Be able to attend some women's spirituality and creativity oriented workshops.
91. Create and cultivate a big rose garden.
92. Spend a significant period of time in spiritual retreat without worrying about the economic impact on my family.
93. Get a comfortable bed.
94. Learn more about graphic and digital design.
95. See Cirque du Soleil's O water show.
96. Learn to sail.
97. Travel to New Zealand.
98. See the Aurora Borealis.
99. Own and learn to ride a motorcycle.
100. Scuba dive in a beautiful place in the ocean.

Wow. that only took me about an hour not counting the interuptions by children. : ) I didn't use to think I had many dreams or goals, but I guess I do. I just need to become more intentional about making some of them happen.

I think one of the reasons I've been quiet lately is that I'm processing an impending life change.

I will be releasing my first child to fly in the world on his own in less than a year.

I've been intellectually preparing myself for since he entered high school. But it really came home to my heart this summer. It started with his independence and determination in getting a job. Then he set up his own bank account. Now he's researching cell phones for the best value and figuring out if he should buy a video camera to play with filmmaking or save up for the laptop he'll need for college.  I am so incredibly impressed with his money management and emotional maturity about working a job he doesn't like.  He is extremely independent minded, which is why he attends a high school where the teens are treated like the unique, intelligent, and mature human beings that they are capable of being. He could'nt thrive in the confines of traditional authority. The school has changed him--given him discipline from within and an ability to accept the work he doesn't like to do for the long term rewards. I have had no concerns about his transition to a college course load. He already does as much homework for the IB program and I have not once in three years had to be on him about it. But now I have no concerns about his working part time to support himself through college either, I just hope he gets a work study position on campus that is somewhat interesting to him (ooh, he could do graphic and web design on the side as well).

But this is what really brought his impending departure home...on Monday, August 27th, my nearly 17-year-old (next week!), flew to New York on his own dime to visit colleges and my sister. He made all of his own travel plans and purchases. He navigated the city on his own. He visited museums and soaked in more creativity than he's been able to process yet. He fell in love with Columbia University. And he craved the independence. He didn't want to come home.

In less than a year a presence who has been with me my entire adult life will no longer be in my physical sphere and I'm having a hard time comprehending life without him. The house is so quiet without him. There will be no more crazy, high pitched noises and odd singing reverberating through the walls (my son has a quirk for constantly making noise!). There will be no more spontaneous conversations about the what's going on in his heart or storylines in his novels or the symbolism in a movie we just watched or how hover technology works or human behavior in his friends and teachers. There will be no more charming smile catching me off guard when I'm grumpy. No more going to him for advice on graphic or web design (because he knows the software better than I do and he has a gifted eye for it).

I will miss him, tremendously. In fact, I already do. He's back from NY as of wednesday but he left early this morning with his school for Ashland, Oregon to see several plays. He'll be back Monday, but then he'll be fully immersed in homework, magazine, yearbook, working, and what little of a social life he has time for. I'm lucky these days if I get more time with him than the hour we watch 4400 together every week. Although he still lives with me, his life is no longer tied to my life. He is already as independent as he can possibly be without his own car. It's not hard to let go, or respect his independence. It's missing his daily presence in my life that brings tears to my eyes. He's a spectacular human being, and the only one who has been with me for 18 straight years. He's been with me my entire adult life. No matter what else was going on in my life, my one stability has been that I am Isaiah's mom. All of my life decisions have been based on being Isaiah's mom. It's weird to imagine a life of my own where I don't have to think about how Isaiah feels. (Although I still have another six years with my daughter, she hasn't been difficult and complicated to live with emotionally like her brother.)

Of course there will be the things I won't miss...the bickering with his sister. The complaining about chores or compromising with us. The clutter he refuses to stop creating. The intensity of his frustration about the littlest things. The late night rides home. And the music volume wars between him and I. : )

This blog is probably going become somewhat of a documentation of my evolution as a leader, now that I've finally stopped resisting the Universe's pull in that direction. : )

I'm totally exhausted. I know I only have an hour or two before my brain becomes as tired as my body, so I want to journal about today. Today was our work day for Pride, during which we painted most of the signs we need for the festival, as well as 2/3 of the sculpture for the float. I am the person in charge of equipment and with all the materials for a big art party (I come fully prepared with folding tables and chairs, paint rags, brushes, lots of paint, bowls for paint and water, drop clothes, stencils, tubs for cleaning, etc.), so I spent all of yesterday getting things ready and buying the things we were missing. This is two busy weekends for me in a row and I'm not accustommed to all this activity and physical work. But the ache in my muscles and the general exhaustion in my body are actually satisfying because they came from meaningful work for my Board and my community. This is a really good tired.

I'm also glowing from all the kudos for the sculpture (picture soon, I promise!). It was the first time every one else had seen it and they were so happy, which makes me super happy. I would much rather put my creativity to work doing something that is simple and looks homemade but is deeply meaningful for a community organization than do "professional" work that hangs on some gallery wall. Art is different for me than it seems to be for most people. The combination of art and generosity and relationship is what sets my passion on fire.

I realized today that the Universe seems to be sneaking up on me with opportunities to discover my bliss and I've been totally oblivious. I've been trying to leave a job where I am honored as a graphic design artist and can't seem to get hired anywhere else. I have to wonder if being honored as an artist is more important to my evolution than being busy 100% of the time or having more responsibility (plus, not having enough to do at work has made working for Pride so much easier!). And having Pride need my creative skills in addition to my leadership and non-profit management skills is the perfect combination to bring my soul joy. I'm so happy right now that I want to keep going even though I'm tired, but know that I shouldn't push myself when I have three more weeks to get it done. I have a giant sign for the Rainbow Lounge (where we'll be serving alchohol) to paint, some clean up on some other signs, and I need to finish painting the sculpture. But I need to rest and be ok with resting.

I also need to write a script for the things I'll say from the festival stage. Blech! I'm freaking out inside about this part of my job. I have to speak with my co-chair (who I adore!)--to honor our Board's tremendous work; to thank our volunteers, performers, and sponsors; and to honor our relationships with the other queer organizations in the area (we initiated a coalition to get everyone working together as one of our first activities). And I should say something about our theme, United we Stand, other than what we say in our community letter in the program (which is mostly about the importance of our straight allies being visible...maybe I'll post it when it's done).

Part of me wants to publicly acknowledge the unusual fact that nearly half our Board is composed of women bisexuals married to men--women who are usually ostracized by the lesbian and queer communities because we can live so-called straight lives or because we won't commit to being fully homosexual. We get a bad rap from both straight and gay people as if bisexuality weren't just as valid as an orientation (I honestly wouldn't be surprised if there were far more bisexuals than homosexuals in the world but they just don't know or are afraid to act on it or think they have to choose).  But how straight are we living if we are willing to not only publicize our orientation with our partner's support and contributions to the organization (we're all out at work, with friends, and now in the community at large as part of the Board and all of our partners have done things for Pride), but we're also willing to commit such a large part of our lives to creating a really good Pride festival for this community.

There is so much ridiculous strife in the various queer factions. Transsexuals have as many problems with rejection as bisexuals do within the community. I learned the other night that the last Pride Board fell apart because it became a fight between the lesbians and the gay men. How crazy is that? I think it's significant that our Board members are fairly young. Our oldest is 38 and our youngest is 24. The old Board was comprised of elder members of the community and we've grown up entirely differently than they did. We're progressively minded and completely devoted to honoring each others talents and expertise. We truly see the beauty in diversity, as well as the reality that the labels don't matter. We're just people who have more in common than we do different.

These eight people I serve with are totally committed to unity. There are no politics. There are no egos. There is so much support and appreciation for each other's efforts. I am  tremendously honored to work with them and be entrusted to lead them. I was reading at another Pride site recently and one of the festival organizers wrote about how her first pride festival was the first time she had ever felt truly accepted and appreciated as a part of a community. What we do is important, especially to those people who need to see that they are not alone and that being queer is a beautiful thing to be celebrated and honored, at least until we achieve our liberation from oppression in this world and are truly accepted by our society.

Anyway, I've babbled enough and the daughter wants to watch a movie. Thanks for listening if you got this far. This is quite an adventure I'm on right now and I'm glad to have a place to share the story as it unfolds.

Last night I watched an interview on Oprah with the creative genius Julie Taymor, who dreamed up the Lion King on Broadway, the truly tragic rendition of Shakespeare's Titus, the colorful and amazing Frida (where she literally brought Kahlo's paintings to life), and now, Across the Universe (official movie site), a Vietnam era musical story based entirely on Beatles songs. I knew the movie was coming and just from the previews looks wonderfully surreal, but I just learned about the musical component. Several of the young stars performed as well. It looks to be a truly remarkable and unique film. I am on pins and needles waiting to to see it when it opens next week. (NYT review)

I'm trying to figure out how as a pretty intense introvert I seem to continually get myself into the public eye. The Agency I work for is fairly prominent in the community. Today I am coordinating a welcome reception for our new Executive Director and the invitation list is a who's who of this county's political and social leaders. Socializing in this kind of situation is extremely challenging for me. I want to believe I'll rise to the challenge but I know it's just as possible I'll hide behind cleaning up wine glasses and finding excuses to hide out in the back room.

I went to a rally for Marriage Equality the other night because the CA legislature just passed a gay marriage bill that is now sitting on the Governor's desk. The rallies were an attempt to show the Governor that the will of California's majority has changed since 2000 and it's time to give same sex couples equal civil rights. I'm glad I was there but I did hang out in the back of the crowd most of the time, being sure to avoid the cameras present. As the co-chair of Pride, I need to be more willing to leave my comfort zone.

Pride is only 10 days away and I haven't even started writing a script for the speaking I'll have to do. It's the only aspect of this whole process that scares the heebie-jeebies out of me, but it's overwhelming.

When did I become so afraid? I have actually spent quite a significant amount of time in front of an audience. I started singing as a soloist at age 7. I was in a musical. I've done poetry readings. I won several honors and awards throughout my academic career. I was asked on two separate occasions to speak to the graduates of my old high school.  I've done poetry readings and spoken word performances. I've posed nude for both an artist and a website about real beauty that had thousands of visitors a month and gained the support of a fairly well known Hollywood actress. I've written for the local newspaper. I've been interviewed for local papers many times. I've been on the radio. I've had a web-based art project that reached tens of thousands of people around the world (several of my yoni images were used by groups in other states and countries for various purposes). This shouldn't be so hard.

I have two sides to me--the private introvert who hides inside her Cancer shell most of the time--and the intensely ambitious artist and leader who seeks to make a significant difference in the world. I can't schmooze at a gathering, but I have the courage to make art and write about taboo subjects and my most intense life experiences. I am one of those people who will speak the difficult truth when most people would rather hide from it. Why can't I bring that courage into the social realm? How can I be so confident I am meant to be a leader and yet so incapable of bringing a courage that already exists in me to the opportunities I'm given?

I guess I'm frustrated with myself right now. I'm conscious of the opportunities I'm being offered, yet I'm feeling the pull to continue hiding in fear of who I really am.

I'd have to say my ex-husband (and current I-don't-know-what). He's the only person with whom I've shared nearly every significant thought and feeling I've had. He's the only person I've depended on to relieve some of the responsibilities of parenting. He's the only person with whom I've shared both my darkest shadows and my bliss.

It makes sense really. Long term relationships or marriages require an openness that no other relationship requires if they are going to succeed. Our partners are also our most intense mirrors and growing experiences. They push the buttons no one else can push because we make ourselves so vulnerable for the experience of partnership and non-familial (thus non-obligatory) unconditional love.

No one has ever known me the way my he does.

Ironically this question holds the same answer that the last QAR I answered (see previous post)....my ex-husband. It's really difficult to withhold judgment from someone who disappoints you so deeply. I've made myself vulnerable to him like I have no other, so I am deeply invested in his ability to be there for me. Having been a single parent for ten years, I'm really invested in the idea of partnership so that some of the weight on my shoulder can be relieved. I can't seem to find the same compassion for where he's come from and why he lives in fear that I do for everyone else in life. I don't hope to rely on anyone else in the world for support in parenting and daily life like I do with him. I'm so tired of carrying the weight of providing physically, emotionally, and spiritually for four human beings almost entirely alone. I can't seem to help but judge him for his failures.

I just got a comment at the Conspiracy of Blessings blog letting me know that a college professor is using my site as an example of public and community oriented art for a university class. How cool is that!?!

You are the tree of Life. Beware of fractioning yourselves. Never set fruit against fruit, a leaf against a leaf, or a bough against a bough, the stem against the roots, or the tree against the mother - the soil. But that is what you do when you love one part more than the rest, or worse yet, to the exclusion of the rest.

You are the Tree of Life. Your roots are everywhere. Your boughs and leaves are everywhere. Your fruits are in every mouth.

Whatever the fruits on that tree may be ... whatever its boughs and leaves may be ... whatever the roots may be ... they are your fruits; they are your leaves and boughs; they are your roots.

If you want the tree to bear sweet and fragrant fruit, and if you want it to be strong and green, pay attention to the resin -- the life-blood of the tree. Love is the resin of Life. Love is the blood that must circulate unhindered in the veins. If you repress the blood, it becomes a plague. Hate is Love repressed or Love withheld. [...]

You do not know the Joy of Love if there is any hatred in your hearts. That which you hate is bound up inseparably with that which you love, like the head and tail of the same coin. If you are truly honest with yourself, then you must Love what you hate and what hates you before you can Love what you love and what loves you.

Love is not a virtue ... it's a neccessity of greater importance than bread and water, and more important than even light or air. Let no-one have pride in their loving. Inhale and exhale Love just as unconsciously as you breathe in and breathe out air. Love needs no-one to exalt it. Love will only exalt the heart that it finds worthy of itself. Don't seek out rewards for Love. Love is rewarded sufficiently with Love, just as hate is a sufficient punishment for hatred. Love accounts to no-one but itself. Love neither lends nor borrows; Love doesn't buy or sell.

But when Love gives, it gives all; when it takes, it takes all. Its very taking is giving. Its very giving is taking. Therefore is it the same to-day, to-morrow and forevermore.

--Mikhail Naimy, From "Book of Mirdad"

Because I've been so deeply mired in physical details, this morning I'm consciously looking at my involvement with the upcoming Pride Festival through the lens of symbolic sight and the potential impact upon others. I don't want to get so distracted by the details that I forget the greater mission behind what we're creating.

While looking for an old post that will be relevant further on in this post, I serendipitously found this...."I dream of finding a way to combine my creativity, my intuition, my leadership skills, and my desire to serve humanity."

Holy crap! In six months I've done exactly what I dreamed of, even though that post was my first real attempt at dreaming out loud in a very, very long time. And even more remarkable, I took the first step to this dream within days of putting it into words.

As the co-chair of Pride: I am using my creativity in the artful elements of the festival, my whole involvement with Pride has been based on intuitive nudges and serendipitiies, I am now acting as the leader I've learned to be, and I am serving my community by providing a *home* (a place of support, acceptance, and comfort) for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, intersexual and questioning community members (and our straight allies).

Straight people might wonder what the point is in Pride Festivals. It's this: the first time you come to a Pride Festival and see the parts of yourself that you've hidden or repressed and been deeply ashamed of, or have been oppressed or abused for expressing, as not only accepted, but appreciated and celebrated, you feel like you've come home. I felt this way when I attended my first festival. I felt this way again when I attended the drag show in January that brought me into the Humboldt Pride organization after spending 7 years away from the queer community.

What greater feeling is there for a human being than to feel like they belong as who they really are? How much violence in our world takes place because people feel like they don't belong? How many scandals have been rooted in a person's shame and repression of who they really are?

Until today, the Pride Festival has been nothing more than a vision made real only by meetings, phone calls, emails, shopping, and sculpting/painting. But the vision is going to become a reality in seven days. Someone, and probably multiple someones, will feel like they have come home when they walk onto the Plaza and find us celebrating who they are.  And we will bring a sense of unity to a community that has been broken by petty arguments and personal politics.

What greater dream could I have--especially with the Mother archetype so much a part of who I am--than to know that I've given someone who aches, someone who feels alone, someone who feels ashamed, someone who feels unloved, a place to call home? What greater work could I hope to do than unify communities for the greater good of all?

This is a crucial moment in history to be a visible and unified part of the queer community (as well as * visible* straight allies--we need you!) because we are the new civil rights movement, determined to achieve equal rights under the law. Did you know there are over 1000 benefits for married couples in the state and federal laws? Over 1000! Civil unions are not even separate but equal (which isn't any more ok now than it was when we had segregation). Equality would be every single one of those benefits being extended to same sex couples. As well as the ability to serve in the military without hiding who you are. And equal protections against discimination, crime, and violence. And the ability to adopt children or nurture foster children or keep custody of your own children. We need our straight allies to stand up with us for these rights just like the African-American community needed its white allies to march and work visibly with them.

I pray the work I am doing will make a small contribution to greater acceptance, and the attainment of equal rights, for the queer community before my gay son needs or wants any of those rights to be in place for him. That's what this Festival and my new leadership role are really all about. I want a better world for my children and all the children of our world.