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October 2008 
What question did you wake up with this morning?
Blessing Conspirator
How do I find enough compassion and forgiveness for the person who has hurt me most, and continues to hurt herself and everyone she loves, to speak to her on Christmas Day?
Unfortunately, I woke up this morning to a phone call from my sister letting me know that my mother is currently wandering the Oklahoma City airport, trying to find a way to get back to Las Vegas on $200 because she was just kicked out of the home of her very last friend less than 24 hours after arriving. Apparently she's "not functional", behaving too much like last year and the year before when she overdosed on painkillers and sleeping pills. I cannot blame her friend for not wanting her in her home. I don't want her in my home, especially at Christmas. I know how much damage she can do, not just emotionally. Two years ago she destroyed our Christmas tree, broke my shower door, and forced me to babysit her through an overdose for over 8 hours, during which I had to physically restrain her from taking more pills...on Christmas night. She said then that it was the doctors' fault for giving her contra-indicated painkillers and sleeping pills, but that's no longer the case and still she's dysfunctional, acting doped up and belligerent, unable to even identify her own luggage?
Last week she called me under the pretense of Christmas shopping for my family to let me know she started drinking again and I couldn't say a word. What do I say? I've descended into her darkness with her too many times to willingly go there again. She knows better! She knows the things she needs to do to be healthy -- anti-depressants, therapy, and God/Church. She's not doing any of these things and her hungry spirit is manifesting more health problems than ever. In her pain and lonliness she's turning to alcohol, which is probably not a good combination with whatever painkillers she's on now and is the only explanation I can think of for the behavior described by her friend.
So I return to the question: what do I do when she calls Christmas morning? If I answer the phone, how do I keep whatever conversation we have from tainting the rest of the day with my family since I know she'll be throwing herself a pity party because she's alone on Christmas? How do I express compassion without enabling her? How do I restrain the tremendous anger I feel that she's putting me in this position again?
How do I sit with this grief when I'm supposed to be giving my children a happy Christmas?
Hopefully the revelations offered by this blog post will help...
"I came to understand that both things were true about my relationship with my mother. Yes, we were estranged for the last seven years of her life and it hurt me terribly. But also she had given me every bit as much motherly love as the most pampered child in the universe, or, at the very least, every bit of motherly love she was capable of."
I know the mother who gave so much of herself when I was a child, and when I had my own child at 16, still exists somewhere. I just want her to come home. I want my mom back.
Access: Public
Blessing Conspirator,
I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have been exactly where you are year after year. Christmas and family gatherings are always the worst days of the year for me. This is the first year, I refused to see my Mom for Christmas; not an easy decision for me to make, but I felt like had no other option. It pains me that she will be alone- because no one else will see her and I fear she will kill herself, but I can no longer sacrifice myself.
You can not sacrifice your happiness & your family's because of your mother. Realistically, whether your mom is with you or in the airport, or at your sisters, there is nothing that you can do on Christmas day that will stop her pain and torment, or make this year any better than the previous year. The only guarantee that you will have is that Christmas will be ruined again, you will be destroyed and you will bring unnecessary pain to your children. I know this is hard to hear- you clearly have a heart of gold and have done far more than any child should ever have to do. And you will know when enough is enough. (It took me a long time to get to this place, and therapy.) But if you need to remember that you are the BEST son any mother has ever had. You have done nothing wrong and everything right. The problems your mother has were there before you were born and you are powerless to change them. You need to hope for a miracle—- and miracles do happen, but you also need to find peace and solitude in the fact that you have done everything you can do and you have gone above and beyond what most humans are capable of.
I don't want to preach at all, because I have been where you are and part of me is still there, but, I strongly recommend seeing someone and attending Alanon meetings. Your focus needs to be on healing yourself; that may be the only way you can ever help your mother in the long run. Remember what they say on the airplane; put the oxygen mask on yourself first!
I want you to know that I feel the exact same way that you do. I admire my mother's strength when she raised me alone, and I dream of the day I will see My Mother again. I keep my memories of her locked in the deepest, safest region of my heart, and you should too, but I hope that you can allow your self peace and healing in the New Year. This is the end of a tough year and you owe it to yourself to rest and heal and focus on the beautiful things in your life and the people that are capable of reciprocating your love.
Bye for now. I apologize if I was curt, but some times we need o people to tell us what they see, because we can not see clearly. I wish you and your family peace, love and healing in the new year. ~Heather
PS I love the quote. I share the sentiment, who said it?
Hi April.
It must be the season for ill-logical behavior. I've been struggling with an issue regarding a family member, too. And this morning… on my treadmill, I came up with the answer to my problem, and perhaps…. just perhaps it can offer you a place to think from.
In my situation, I was making my mother in law's behavior about me, when her behavior is Not about me, but about her own pain and her own life.
In my situation, I was making my partner's inability to speak clearly to his mother, about me, when HIS behavior is not about me, it is about his own pain and relationship with his mother.
For me… my pain in the situation was that I was being blamed for something I never did. Being blamed hurts. Being blamed sucks. What does one do with blame?
I let it go.
I see the situation with your mother as different, yet there are certain parallels. Your mother's inability to take care of herself resembles James' inability. Your mother calling and throwing herself a pity party definitely resembles and indicates that someone other than herself is at fault…. without saying it. Her actions clearly state blame.
So for me…. I had to find in myself the reason why it is so important that this woman does what I want her to…. which is to love me. Why do I want her love? Because she is supposed to love me? Because she is supposed to love her grandchildren?
Clearly, in my situation, she cannot love herself let alone begin to truly love another, family or not. It was time to release the expectation and let myself off the hook. It is ok that she doesn't love me. Her not loving me doesn't affect who I am, or the love I deserve from loving people.
Hopefully in sharing my experience over the last few days, and sharing my thought process…. you have a place to begin to process. You are personally such an incredible Blessing to us all. You are the kind of blessing that is quiet and large, making unexpected impacts in the most positive way.
Now it is time to create yourself a blessing!
Blissings is it?
In Appreciation for Your Friendship!
~Wendy
Wow. Thank you, both of you, for such kindness in sharing your thoughts with me. You've given me much to think about.
“You are the kind of blessing that is quiet and large, making unexpected impacts in the most positive way.”
Wendy, you have given me one of those beautiful moments where I feel seen and understood for exactly who I am. Quiet and large indeed. Two qualities I am and yet I've never put them together in such a beautiful way.
Thank you for being blessings in my life, April
OOps. April- You are the best DAUGHTER a mother can have. (sorry- I am new to Zaadz and don't have a handle on the profiles). Anyway you are doing the best you can…. and there is love and devotion in every step you take. Wishing you peace and love. You can contact me if you need to vent. All the best.- Heather
Hi April, First of all, I want to express my gratitude for the open and honest manner in which you addressed this difficult and highly personal issue. When we speak up like this, it serves a dual purpose. I invites others in to share insights as Heather and Perpetually Me have done. It also lets a lot of other people who are dealing with similar situations know they are not alone. Our own expectations for the ones closest to us act often like a magnifying glass. Instead of seeing people for who they really are, we become angry, because they are not the people we want / or need them to be. Just the other day, I thought to myself. I know why my mother makes me so angry - it's isn't the gossip or critical behavior or the butting in where she is not welcome - it's purely and simply the fact that I wanted my mom to be someone I liked and respected, someone I could be friends with, and she isn't. I am mad at her for being herself. A tiger is a tiger. A snake is a snake. If we take them into our houses, we know we will get bitten - and, so for our own safety, we keep them at a distance. We are not being mean. We are being reasonable. Don't let guilt rule this situation. Ask yourself, what is the most loving and protective thing I can do for myself and my children. That will guide you to set healthy boundaries you will feel good about.