I've received a lot of gratitude and validation for the Conspiracy of Blessings the last few weeks. What has been most striking are the comments that I have intuited perfectly for the recipient. I'm sending women dolls in their favorite colors....without knowing it. I'm choosing the cards I put in their package as if I knew what they are going through. I suddenly realized today that my intuitive magic has come back, just in a different manifestation than before. I used to be the local "medicine woman", doing energetic healings, giving Tarot readings, and making teas, oils, tinctures, etc. for friends, neighbors, and family. I just gradually stopped over time for a variety of reasons.

This year I asked the Universe to bring magic back into my life. I think it's important to acknowledge that it's responded positively! This poem explains why I'm so happy my personal magic has returned. My intuitive gifts are a part of my service here on earth.

"We live in a society where only "big success" is acknowledged. We don't care about the small steps. We don't hear about the stumbles. Yet it takes outrageous courage to be in the middle of your journey. The middle is where it's at, baby.

Maybe you're growing a new business, writing the book of your dreams, or healing from a necessary divorce. There are the times when alligators are nipping at your raw feet, the rain keeps beating down, the moon is fading, your mother is calling, and you wonder if you are going to age in poverty with hopes that never came true. Yep, these are the moments that need celebration.

These are the times we need applause and ribbons and massive hot fudge sundaes and witnesses to our magnificence. These are the time we must love ourselves through the hunger and exhaustion. These are the times when we must celebrate our courage, the power, belief, and stubborn pluck it demands to keep just lurching and wobbling forward....

You are on the path. You are on the path. You are on the path. The path begins wherever you are, when you embrace your life with honesty, patience and compassion."

Tama Kieves, Trusting the Journey Times, October 17, 2007

An excerpt from one of my favorite blogs about another album release (and intriguing collaboration) that you can choose to pay for or take for free:

"you know Saul Williams? hip hop poet, when i grow up i want to be a hip hop poet

i love his artist's anthem, this only a snippet of the whole thing called Coded Language

now this is a man that knows we are each unique frequency signatures expressing the symphony of life itself in all its multidimensional octaves

i think {when} Saul sez Coded Language, he means the whispering la langue des oiseaux

"the language of the birds" - the secret alchemical hieroglyphic language of the troubadours

anyhow here's the part and version i like:

"We claim the present as the pre-sent, as the hereafter.
We are unraveling our navels so that we may ingest the sun.
We are not afraid of the darkness, we trust that the moon shall guide us.
We are determining the future at this very moment.
We now know that the heart is the philosophers' stone
Our music is our alchemy
We stand as the manifested equivalent of 3 buckets of water and a hand full
of minerals, thus realizing that those very buckets turned upside down
supply the percussion factor of forever.
If you must count to keep the beat then count.
Find you mantra and awaken your subconscious.
Curve you circles counterclockwise
Use your cipher to decipher, Coded Language, man made laws.
Climb waterfalls and trees, commune with nature, snakes and bees.
Let your children name themselves and claim themselves as the new day for
today we are determined to be the channelers of these changing frequencies
into songs, paintings, writings, dance, drama, photography, carpentry,
crafts, love -- and love.
We enlist every instrument: Acoustic, electronic.
Every so-called gender, race, and sexual preference.
Every per-son as beings of sound to acknowledge their responsibility to
uplift the consciousness of the entire fucking World.
Any utterance will be un-aimed, will be disclaimed, will be maimed - two rappers slain"

Bonus: November 1st album released. WTF? $5 is just not enuf. I prefer Radiohead's pay-as-you-wish model. I heard about Saul Williams and Trent Reznor's new collaboration on Twitter first (thanks, @spin). This NYT interview has much to muse on as far as biz models for full-time artists still paying rents and all that jazz:

Saul: From the start, I remember Trent saying, "Let's give it away for free." At first, I was like, "This dude is out of his mind!" But then it really started making sense, and, of course, with Radiohead doing it, we were like, "What the fuck? The idea that we had was great, and we should really follow it through."

Trent: I think it's just an awkward time right now to be a musician. The reality is that people think it's okay to steal music. There's a whole generation of people, that's all they've known. I used to buy vinyl. Today, if you do put out a record on a label, traditionally, most people are going to hear it via a leak that happens two weeks - if not two months - before it comes out. There's no real way around that. I'm truly saddened because I think music has been devalued, so that it's just a file on your computer, and it's usually free. But we can't change that. What we can do is try to offer people the best experience that we can provide them. Will it work? I don't know. But I think it's a great way to get music out to people who are interested. At the end of the day, all I care about is the integrity of the music, and that the feeling of those who experience it is as untainted as possible. I'd rather it not be on an iPod commercial. I'd rather it not be a ringtone that you have to get with a free cell phone or any of that bullshit."

Susie Bright wrote an interesting post about the night she became an atheist. She invited readers to share their own ideas of God and prayer, which inspired several spiritual histories to be shared. I thought I'd cross post my comment here....

What a lovely conversation! I've believed in some version of Divinity my entire life. I seem to be quite unusual in that I've never not been able to believe in some underlying magic and unity to the Universe that is beyond human comprehension. And every form that belief has taken contributed to my healing and evolution emotionally and psychologically. I've had more than my share of tragedies in my life from early childhood. Every version of God--and my personal relationship to God--has given me the strength and resilience to not only survive, but find a way to thrive and give something back to the communities suffering the same traumas that I did.

My version of God right now is that there is an underlying energy or consciousness to all matter in the Universe that can make life more beautiful when consciously drawn upon. Everything is God, including me and you. I believe it's my evolutionary directive to become as conscious as possible of every aspect of my life, learn to love as deeply as I'm capable, and assist in raising the consciousness of humanity. If there's any philosophy that seems to be headed in the direction I'm going it would be the Integral Philosophy of Ken Wilber and friends (although he's as much of a dysfunctional guru as the heads of many spiritual communities and I'm squirmish about the hierarchy of evolution they espouse).

I was indoctrinated in Baptist and then Pentacostal Christianity. Two pretty intense extremes. The first, like my dad, was rigidly conservative and very absent of emotion. I went to a Baptist Christian school until 6th grade and didn't know rock music existed until that year. I didn't know homosexuality existed till my late teens (then shortly thereafter discovered I was bisexual).  The second, like my mom, was incredibly passionate, joyful (at least on the surface), magical, and emotionally dysfunctional (we had multiple pastors betray the congegration and every single one of the girls in our youth group was pregnant before age 18). We had a rock band instead of an organ. People danced, spoke in tongues, gave prophetic messages, and actually healed people (including myself).

On the dark side, I lived a life of intense guilt. As an unusually empathic person, I took the suffering of Jesus deeply into my own heart, believing he went through all that he did in the stories I was told because of my own sinful nature. I never judged other people in the same way though, I think it was a combination of the church, dynamics at home and a propensity for masochism.

I began have mystical experiences as a Pentacostal in my teens and have been in the pursuit of mysticism ever since, although not always consciously. If you look at the mystics in any religion, they are the rebels, the outsiders, the ones who wrote of their relationships to God as lovers. There's a reason so many of us are drawn to the poetry of Rumi. Mystics have a raw, passionate connection to the Divine. They believe everyone has a direct connection to God, the antithesis of religions that tell you to go through priests and gurus.

I also desperately needed God the Father in my life at that time because I had been abandoned by the men in my life who should have protected me from my mother and I needed an escape from the traumas of my home life with her. God was my Daddy for awhile. Church was the only place I could experience joy and the community was extremely supportive when I had my son at 17. I did a lot of emotional/psychological healing there, until the scandals started coming to the surface.

Then I moved out on my own in a bigger town and started college.  I began drifting back and forth from the church in my early 20's, going through the usual young adult search for myself and a self-derived understanding of the world. I took a Comparative Religions course at the university. That course changed my life. I saw the macrocosmic picture and realized it didn't matter what I believed as long as I lived a life of love. Each path provides a set of tools for people to understand themselves and their place in the world. Most of the tools and original teachings are inherently good but people can manipulate them and use them to harm others. I consciously took on Wicca for awhile, because I needed the energies of the Mother Goddess (this time was also filled with lessons in feminism and my personal sexual revolution). I had mystical experiences induced in all sorts of ways: peyote, acid, ecstasy, body modification, sex, meditation, dance, ritual, prayer, spiritual or energetic connection with another person, etc.

Then I took another life changing university course in Consciousness. I learned about the mysteries of quantum physics and the conclusions we're coming to that all of life is one universal energy taking different shapes. My idea of the Divine became more impersonal. I had done a lot of emotional healing--including overcoming a mental illness--and I no longer felt connected to any spiritual practices or anthropomorphic versions of God. This is when I stopped praying. I had always prayed and my prayers were personal conversations with God. I prayed in my journal, I prayed in shouts at the ocean, I prayed in song and poetry. I prayed all kinds of ways, using God in my bouts of desperate lonliness for human connection and dark depression to keep me from feeling utterly alone. I still felt some kind of God-ness was out there, but how do you have a personal relationship with an impersonal energy or consciousness?

In the last couple years I've returned to the path of mysticism. Now my spiritual practices are about sacred activism and serving my human family. If everyone is part of God, I am serving the Divine by serving people. I'm involved with several nonprofits in various capacities and have a personal web project through which I share art blessings with others. I hope to become an art therapist and work with women and children in crisis. I guess my prayers now are primarily the intentional energies I put into my acts of love towards others.

My browser home page is Zaadz! : )
It's the most uplifting way I can start any web activity.

Cross posted from The Conspiracy of Blessings Blog...

Yesterday, I received a package envelope in the mail that jangled...a lot. Kind of sounded like there was something broken inside. I didn't recognize the address, even from people I've corresponded with concerning donations to the Conspiracy. I was intrigued. I opened it up to find it overflowing with papers and ephemera for art making. Jeanette at PostcardX sent me the package. I love that I get unexpected suprises from PostcardX every couple of months. It brings a little dash of creative magic to life. I must remember during lulls in blessing requests that I have an endless source of people to bless there.

Also, as noted in a comment on a previous blog post, Kara from Motherhenna.com and the wonderful "A Peace of..." blog and collaborative art project, is sending some 1000 Faces of Mother Henna art to include in blessing packages. Very, very cool.

Wow! I am in awe of the blessings that have been showered upon me recently. I received Kara's package today, full to brimming with her art cards, buttons, magnets, and a stunning book of meditative photographs. Serendipitously, I had just run out of cards I could write handwritten notes on for blessing recipients. Now I have an abundance of beautiful cards! My heart is smiling in deepest gratitude.

I recently took photos for posterity's sake and I thought I would share some of my last yoni sculptures....the Yoni Goddess series. These were the last sculptures I showed (plus others) before retiring The Yoni Endeavor. See the titles of each to know who they symbolize.


My idea was to honor the women of various spiritual systems, and the reality that all of our prophets or saviors have come from a woman's womb.



I am feeling the itch to start a new content/message oriented art series. I'm thinking about clay again but I don't have an idea for the content yet. I'd love to get a kiln and do real clay work, as opposed to working with self hardening or oven baked clay. That is my abundance goal for the coming months: a kiln (and a sewing machine). Until the percolating becomes something I can put into form I'll continue with The Conspiracy of Blessings.

One of the recipients of a recent blessing package sent me a beautiful gift in return, her self published book Spread Your Wings and Fly: An Origami Fold-and-Tell with a set of deep purple paper cranes. What a lovely gift!

I never anticipated people returning blessings to me when I started this project. But I am glad to practice being a joyful recipient. I am also hopeful for the future of the human race because of the tremendous positive creativity I am honored to witness nearly every day from my little corner of the world.

The subject of leadership is incredibly important to me. I feel like my life is at least partially directed towards understanding, manifesting and inspiring great leadership.

“The leader can act as a warrior or as a healer. As a warrior, the leader acts with power and decision. That is the Yang or masculine aspect of leadership. Most of the time, however, the leader acts as a healer and is in an open, receptive,and nourishing state. That is the feminine or Yin aspect of leadership."   - John Heider "The Tao of Leadership Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching Adapted for a New Age"

Mimi shares this in her response to this question and I think it's perfect. This is such a timely question for me as I process the change in leadership at work (our new ED, and my direct supervisor, has been with us for four months). What I realize after reading this quote is that my previous ED was not quite enough of the masculine doer, but perfect as the open and receptive healer. She created a wonderful emotional culture in the agency. The new ED is too much of a doer and has very little of the nurturing qualities. People feel uncertain. She isn't fully present because she's doing too many things. She is self involved and doesn't seek to make connections with her staff. In over four months, I have not had one personal conversation with her. That's totally bizarre and unsettling to me. I have always become friends with my bosses and found ways that we blended well. But there is nothing in this new boss that appeals to me emotionally.

I just went on an interview yesterday for an Office Manager position that is mostly leadership of the administrative support staff. I told the interviewer that there were a couple aspects of leadership that I feel are vitally important: honesty, no matter how hard it is to face the truth you have to keep things on the table (I've seen multiple organizations brought to their knees by secrets and lies amongst leadership); respect for the expertise of others (a lot of strife would be averted if people had this quality....too many things don't get done because people nitpick over things they don't even really understand instead of trusting the experts in their midst); and openness to her direct staff as a mentor and a friend (we can't expect people to leave their hearts at the door when they come to work, if there is a crisis in their personal life, it will effect their professional life...you must honor and hold space for that in people).

Although the healing aspect of leadership is strong in me, I believe my doer is stronger. I am both excellent at and comfortable with developing structure and systems to make programs/event efficient and well organized. I am good at getting things done and staying on top of whether other people are getting things done without being pushy or looking over their shoulder all the time.

My greatest weakness is my social anxiety and insecurity. I'm still too quiet and hold back a lot. My sister has helped me realize that I've chosen to stay in a relative level of comfort professionally instead of challenging myself the way I do in other aspects of life. (Of course I think part of the reason for this is my focus on parenting...I could easily put everything into my work and lose touch with my family if I'm not careful). But parenting is becoming less demanding in many ways, requiring a different kind of presence than the every day survival mode of caring for two dependent human beings. I am feeling more and more that I need to take a professional step towards leadership, and not accept anything less.

Fortunately, I may be headed that way even if I remain with the Agency. Ok, there is something about my new ED that I like--she can see that I'm underemployed and wants to change the situation. We are on the brink of buying into a new-ish, big, beautiful building that would give a home to all of our departments (our agency is currently spread out in four different offices around town). We will have tenants. We will have a new way of managing daily operations. There will be a new position created for a Facilities Manager and she wants me to fill it. I've actually been hoping for a management position that doesn't necessarily supervise people. Right now I'd like to work on seeing myself as a peer at the management level. I need to work on my networking abilities and building relationships. I'd like to take the transition one step at a time instead of jumping into the fire. But I know I'm really at the mercy of the Universe's timing and will accept whatever challenge I am offered.  : )

Whew, I'm brain tired. I've been working hard this week both on a graphic design project due Wednesday and a large event taking place on the 27th. Time to shift to less thinking....maybe some doll sewing and a movie.

I finally got to see the movie I've been dying to see for a couple of months....Across the Universe from the genius of Julie Taymor. My son--such a sweetie--took me because I haven't been able to afford to go. It also just came up to our area about two weeks ago--because apparently when you're rural you don't get movies at the same time the rest of the country does, even when you have several large theaters (so it isn't a matter of enough screens).

Anyway, the move was AMAZING. Visually it was stunning, of course, because Taymor is a powerful visual artist who has brought surrealism to the modern movie making business in very cool ways. I couldn't be more thrilled since surrealism is my favorite art genre. The music was also very well done and I think made the movie an effective emotional roller coaster. Even though you know the songs so well--I mean it is the Beatles after all--the acting of the performers throughout each song was compelling. My son said it's one of the few movies he's watched that's carried him completely out of himself and immersed him in someone else's existence. He also realized that he likes the music of the Beatles a lot more than he thought he did. I love watching his mind and heart stretch and grow when he takes in new artistic experiences.

I didn't expect my own heart strings to be played so well. And I didn't realize how timely this movie is in relation to the war that we are involved in now (duh). Watching the funeral of a service man while a gospel choir sings an other-worldly rendition of Let It Be really got me thinking...and feeling. There have been almost 4000 funerals in the last four years because of the war in Iraq. 4000 families grieving for their lost children. Thousands more friends and lovers who have lost a deep love in their lives. It hurt my heart, deep and raw. It's been a long time since I've had that kind of empathic response to an artistic expression of a living wound in the heart of our nation.  And not just ours, but the Iraqis as well, who have suffered far more deaths at our hands than we have at theirs.

Then later, when a soldier returns from the war messed up in the head, I thought of my son's biological father and all the children who will have fathers forever emotionally scarred by this war. We talk about the deaths, but who talks about the ones who come home crazy in some way? We just had to share the intimate details of our lives with Columbia University and explain why my son's bio father should not be expected to pay towards his college education. He was a soldier in the original Desert Storm, already deeply wounded by an abusive father and years in the foster care system. He came home diagnosed with schizaphrenia and PTSD. My son has never met this man because we both feel he is too far gone for it to really matter. You can't have a proper relationship with someone who is mentally ill. I know that better than anyone after what I've been through with my mother.

Anyway, the war came home to my heart in a way it hasn't in a long time. I'm ashamed to say so but I imagine it's true for most Americans. The war is something we know of intellectually, but if we haven't lost a loved one there, or had a loved one come home wounded both body and soul, it isn't really real to us. No more than the homeless children hiding out from the rain and wind tonight or the abused woman in our neighborhood or any of the other human beings experiencing tragedy right this very second as I sit here comfortable in my warm home with my happy family and my good food and my luxurious laptop computer. The fact that I can even immerse my life in art in any form and ponder these things is a luxury to most of the people in the world, who are truly struggling to survive.

I'm feeling called as an artist to use my voice again...somehow. I'm not sure what my message will address but I must do something to challenge the hearts and minds of people. It's part of what I'm here to do. Perhaps it's time to hear what my heart has to say about the war. I've seen a lot of peace projects recently and I appreciate them immensely. But something I have learned as a poet and a visual artist is that you get people to change by making them see the truth, and right now, peace is not the truth. Not collectively. I think my greatest work as an artist will come from using my empathy to evoke empathy in others. If I can tap into the hearts of the wounded, both Americans and Iraqis, both physical wounds and emotional wounds, then perhaps I can bring their true stories to people and inspire them to want to make change. Or maybe reflections of the wars at home, taking place inside the walls of so many houses right now, are more appropriate, because the seeds of war and peace begin at home. Whether it's domestic violence or the rejection of a queer family member or other prejudices that shut people down or the battle with addiction, the war in Iraq reflects the intensity of physical and emotional violence in the heart of the American people. And the apathy of the American people about the war (because if enough people cared enough to actually do something, we could bring this government to its knees) reflects our apathy towards our neighbors and the battles they are waging in their homes or on the streets.

Ok, I'll get off my soapbox now. My heart hurts. I need to do something to process it.

Have you seen this?

I May Never Know You

I may never know you,
But I know you live somewhere,
Waking and sleeping each day,
Sustained by the great wave of breath
Breathing in and out of you
As it breathes in and out of me.

I may never know your name,
But I do not need to, to know
How your heart treasures the calling of your name
By someone who loves you.
I know this,
For I know this of me.

I may never look into your eyes,
But I know you search for meaning and hope
And answers to the why and how of life
As I do.

I may never touch your hand,
But I know you have a living body
Which needs nourishment and water,
Safety and touch,
As I do.

I may never know you,
But I know you cherish and yearn
For freedom and dignity
And the chance to make your dreams come true,
As I do.

I may never know you,
And yet I do.

From the welcome page: "Imagine if there was a place where every single person alive today, without exception, was actually represented and recognized both as a unique individual and as a member of the human family. Imagine too, if every day there was a welcome to greet each individual infant in the world on the day of their birth, and a way to say goodbye to each person in the world who died that day. When calamity or tragedy struck anywhere in the world, there would be a way to express our grief and caring together. When there were joyful victories for humanity, there would be a place to join in celebration. It would be a place where we could experience the reality of our world village.

Such a place exists. It is the Salt Monument. The Salt Monument is not just an idea or an ideal, it is an actual physical Monument and daily observance that has existed now for over ten years. In its stark simplicity, the Monument wordlessly conveys unfathomable truths about life, compassion, the inherent right to dignity of each person, our relative insignificance within the temporal and planetary context, and the present reality of our world. It is an invitation to contemplation and a plea to bring our shared humanity into vivid, penetrating focus.

The experience of the Salt Monument is inexplicable and ineffable. Some of those who have experienced it know how even a single encounter with the Monument can provoke irrevocable realizations about being human. For those who have not, there is no amount of words or description that can convey its utterly unique and unexpected impact. The Salt Monument is a place where we meet soul to soul, human to human, as one grain of salt to another in the symbolic presence of all humankind as our witness.

This website serves as a glimpse, a hint, of this unprecedented Monument."

See also a beautiful blog post written about one's experience of the Monument.

What a beautiful concept! So happy to share with you this bright and sunny November Sunday morning.

How does a part of the world leave the world?
How does wetness leave water?  Don't try to

put out a fire by throwing on more fire!  Don't
wash a wound with blood.  No matter how fast

you run, your shadow keeps up.  Sometimes it's
in front!  Only full overhead sun diminishes

your shadow.  But that shadow has been serving
you.  What hurts you, blesses you.  Darkness is

your candle.  Your boundaries are your quest.
I could explain this, but it will break the

glass cover on your heart, and there's no
fixing that.  You must have shadow and light

source both.  Listen, and lay your head under
the tree of awe.  When from that tree feathers

and wings sprout on you, be quieter than
a dove.  Don't open your mouth for even a coo.

- Rumi

I am a Considerate Idealist. I was surprised by how accurate the Considerate part is:

You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE.

You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.

You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others. (This is so true...I forget how much I enjoy quietly observing others when I get caught up in am-i-participating-enough insecurities).

Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times. (I'm shy and reserved until you get to know me, then you can't shut me up at times.)

Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.

Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior. (Oh yes, natural born sociologist am I and it's so natural I do it ALL the time.....my kids would love to tell you about my little lectures behind music, film, fads, and all other kinds of human endeavors...and how I'm always looking for the deeper motivations in what people do--for instance seeing my daughter's troubled friends for the wounded souls that they are who are drawn to the healing purity of her love)

You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.

Your close friends know you as a good listener.


If you want to be different:

Because other people would benefit immensely from your understanding and insight, you should try to be more outgoing in social situations, even when they make you uncomfortable. Others will want to hear what you have to say!


As an IDEALIST, you are distinctive for your integration of confidence, imagination, willingness to explore, and desire for competence over style.

You have a strong capacity to comprehend the inner workings of things, finding new ideas and innovative insights to feed your curious nature.

You are quite comfortable in the realm of abstract thought. You don't need a practical solution to every one of life's questions.

You are comfortable with the decisions you make in life. You don't need to second-guess yourself, or seek a lot of opinions before you make up your mind.

You enjoy the routines that you have created in your life, and don't feel the need to shake things up just for the sake of change.

You generally succeed at what you do, and others would describe you as successful.

It is important to you that products be efficient - looking good has to come second to working well.

You aren't the kind of person who needs to collect stylish items in an attempt to create an attractive environment - you know that what matters most is function, not style.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

The control you feel over your life is empowering to you-- you believe in your abilities and acknowledge your shortcomings. Explanations of the world that focus on destiny or fate don't really interest you. You take responsibility for what goes wrong in your life, and also for what goes well.

Food for thought...

"Right now, and in every moment, you are either closing or opening. You are
either stressfully waiting for something — more money, security, affection — or
you are living from your deep heart, opening as the entire moment, and giving
what you most deeply desire to give, without waiting.

"If you are waiting for anything in order to live and love without holding
back, then you suffer. Every moment is the most important moment of your life.
No future time is better than now to let down your guard and love.

"Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your
posture can shine your heart or transmit anxiety. Your breath can radiate love
or muddy the room in depression. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can
inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds.

"Opening from heart to all, you live as a gift to all. In every moment,
you are either opening or closing. Right now, you are choosing to open and give
fully or you are waiting. How does your choice feel? . . ." David Deida

This is what I believe I'm growing towards...Facilitating art that is created as a community process. Installations that address the healing of a community issue. Art somehow based in love and forgiveness.

We have a small local grant I could apply for to do such a project...but I'm lacking the concrete manifestation based on my limited forms of experienced art making. I need to brainstorm. The application is due December 3rd I think.

I'm thinking along the lines of the Beaded Prayers Project  or Release the Fear.

"The world cannot end unless it runs out of stories; for more than a literal planet, the world is an eternal drama, a story told from beginning to end, and end to beginning, again and again.

"When 'The End' seems near, it's the mythic sense, the eternal roots, and creative imagination that are missing. Behind the 'ecological crisis' and the 'war of terror,' there lies a crisis of meaning and a loss of the sense of the sacred in the immediate pulse of the world. The blind exploitation of the earth follows upon lost connections to the realm of nature, as if humanity has broken a secret bond with Great Nature and become estranged from 'inner nature' as well.

"The problem isn't that the world might end completely; rather, the issue is how to act when it seems that way. What's missing is the imagination necessary to hold end and beginning together.

"In critical times, how people imagine the world becomes more important; how people imagine humanity becomes of the utmost importance. Increasingly the issue becomes living an authentic life and lending one's true nature to the drama of existence -- to become a wick burning with the flame of one's life-long story."Michael Meade
http://www.mosaicvoices.org/

What strikes me as serendipitous about finding this quote today is that the personality test I took last night told me I am more trusting of other human beings than 98% of people who've taken the test. Trust is one of my strongest qualities. So I think this tells me that most of the time, I am imagining human beings in the best possible light, by seeing them as worthy of my trust, which connotates so much more, both personally and collectively. I do trust and imagine that our end is not imminent. Human beings are capable of too much to allow ourselves an end this early in the game of evolution. We're just beginning to figure out what we're truly capable of as a species and the problems we've created for ourselves are opportunities for us to shine our light even brighter.

I'm getting a lot of messages in my life right now that lead to the understanding that I have not been stagnating in relation to my purpose at all these last seven years that I have focused on my family and myself, I have been cultivating the necessary spirit of authenticity that will bring success to my work in the world. I have been cultivating trust and a deep, abiding love for human beings and their creativity. I have been nurturing a quiet spirit of joy and a daily attitude of gratitude and appreciation for my life, even when it's hard (like being up half the night with intense cramping but having the sick time available to spend today sleeping and writing and staying connected to my soul).

When I go back out into the world to do my purpose-work, I will be seeing the beauty far more often than the tragedy, the opportunities more than the problems. Because of the work I have done (and am still doing) within, I will approach the world with the best possible imagining of its healing and its inherent light. What makes this significant is knowing that I was once incapable of seeing good in the world at all. I once suffered from deep depression and was obsessed with life's darkness, blind to its light except for the few creative flames who spoke to my heartache. I did not, could not trust anyone because I had never known the kind of love that sticks around no matter what. I could not trust because I didn't understand that a relationship is no less meaningful or real if it lasts a few moments or days instead of a lifetime. I could not trust because I did not understand how resilient my heart is. But now I have known unconditional love. Now I understand the beauty of relationships in all of their manifestations. Now I see that I am one of the most resilient people around, capable of turning the darkest tragedies into opportunities for healing myself and others.

I trust now because I know there is absolutely nothing in this world that can break me--not violence, not poverty, not betrayal, not loss. It may hurt to bend as deeply as I'm asked to at times, but I cannot break. I suppose this is how I truly know the truth of existence, that my core is eternal and part of the Sacred All, and the All cannot be destroyed.

Now that I've made this breakthrough in my personal evolution, it's time to put the trust into action in the world around me. Each step that I take towards the world--through the Conspiracy or Pride--is now a step towards trust in myself. Trust that I belong here and that I have something valuable to contribute. Trust that my little piece of the All is needed and wanted here on planet earth. Trust that even when I feel my little light is burning alone, I am truly part of the bigger flame that burns in all of us and I'm just pushing out into the shadows to spread the light further.

ps Another serendipitous finding within an hour of writing this post:

"Recognizing our inner rhythms is a major part of self-acceptance and an important lesson of Tao. As each plant has its own cycles, so do we. Judging ourselves in comparison to others is unnatural and unjust. Daffodils bloom in early spring while chrysanthemums grace the gardens of autumn. A wildflower blossoms for only one season, an oak tree may live for hundreds of years, and California's giant sequoias have endured for thousands. like the trees and flowers, we each have our own rhythms, our own time of fruition. Who is to say what pattern is right for us? Only we can know."  Diane Dreher, The Tao of Inner Peace

I don't generally do these kinds of things, but books are one of the few passions I could enjoy writing about in this way. Borrowed this meme from Treehouse Jukebox.

1. Hardback or trade paperback or mass market paperback?
Mostly trade paperback for science fiction and fantasy. Mass market paperbacks for really good literature and non-fiction. Few hardbacks, unless I just cannot wait for the paperback release because it's part of a series or been anticipated for a long time.

2. Amazon or brick and mortar?
I prefer to buy local (and used)--if only for the excuse to go browse--or because I want the book now--not three days from now. I'm doing my best to buy local and/or recycled/used more and more.

3. Barnes & Noble or Borders?
We only have a Borders so I don't know Barnes and Noble. I go to Borders when I want to sit with a coffee to read something I don't own.

4. Bookmark or dog-ear?
Both. I dog-ear in non-fiction or fiction-I-intend-to-keep to mark passages that are deeply meaningful to me. I use a bookmark to track progress in books. I've had a passion for beautiful bookmarks since I was a kid. My favorite is a hand-embroidered bookmark of roses from my mom.

5. Alphabetize by author or alphabetize by title or random?
I don't alphabetize, I group by author and/or subject in non-alphabetical order. Usually the order is determined by the size and shape of the book. It's an aesthetic thing.

6. Keep, throw away, or sell?
Keep it if I love it. Never throw away unless the book has been damaged. Give to friends or trade at the local used bookstore if I can. Although I'd love to get into swapping online if I can make the time for it.

7. Keep dustjacket or toss it?
I keep them unless they get seriously damaged.

8. Read with dustjacket or remove it?
Usually with it and often use it as a placemarker.

9. Short story or novel?
Novels, for sure. I never seek out short fiction except erotica.

10. Collection (short stories by same author) or anthology (short stories by different authors)?
Either. If it's an author I adore, like Neil Gaiman, Clive Barker or Orson Scott Card, I'll read their collections. I like certain kinds of anthologies. Sci-fi can be fun. But most of my short story collection is Erotica.

11. Harry Potter or Lemony Snicket?
Both. My son got into reading with Harry Potter 1 and we followed along together with each new release until the last. Lemony Snicket falls into my love affair with dark and twisted children's stories. The kids loved them, too.

12. Stop reading when tired or at chapter breaks?
Stop reading when I absolutely have to from exhaustion or to feed myself. Although with non-fiction I do tend to read use chapter breaks.

13. "It was a dark and stormy night" or "Once upon a time"?
Neither. Please, start a book with something totally original.

14. Buy or Borrow?
Both, ratio depending on how many bibliophiles I know at the time.

15. New or used?
Both. If it's something I've been waiting for I'll go new as soon as it comes out. If I'm just browsing to find something new or looking for something specific that's older, I'll go used.

16. Buying choice: book reviews, recommendation or browse?
All of the above. I'm open to all the ways the Universe leads to me to literary treasures.

17. Tidy ending or cliffhanger?
I don't like tidy if it doesn't feel right. I have a love-hate relationship with cliffhangers. If it's for a series, then I have to live with it. That's how they're done. If it's a book that just kind of leaves the story without a tidy ending, it can be both annoying and provoking. I have to decide for myself what came next if I have any niggling quetions.

18. Morning reading, afternoon reading or nighttime reading?
Any time reading. I love to have a book ready for Saturday morning. I'll start reading within minutes of getting up and read all day if I can.

I read at night during the week. I get up too late to read in the morning and afternoon isn't feasible with work and family.

19. Stand-alone or series?
Both.

20. Favorite series?
Hyperion/Endymion by Dan Simmons, Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card, Dune by the Herberts and Kevin Anderson, Otherwold by Tad Williams, Anne Rice (all), Griffin and Sabine by Nick Bantock (interactive books are the best!), Abarat by Clive Barker

21. Favorite children's book?
Life Doesn't Frighten Me, poem by Maya Angelou, art by Basquiat
The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy and Other Stories by Tim Burton
Abarat series by Clive Barker

22. Favorite book of which nobody else has heard?
I couldn't presume to know, because everything has been heard of by someone. But less likely to be well known by the mainstream are Nick Bantock's books, the Tim Burton book mentioned above, and Pronoia by Rob Brezny.

23. Favorite books read last year?
Marge Piercy's Summer People and Small Changes
Sera Beak's Red Book
Caroline Myss' Entering the Castle

24. Favorite books of all time?
Imagica by Clive Barker
Ender's Game series by Orson Scott Card
The Soul of Sex by Thomas Moore
Pronoia by Rob Brezny (because it insired the Conspiracy of Blessings)

25. Least favorite book you finished last year?
Hmmm....can't think of any. I'm such a finicky reader. I won't finish a book I don't like.

26. What are you reading right now?
What currently have bookmarks: Women on the Edge of Time by Marge Piercy (fiction), Sacred Circles by Carnes and Craig (non-fiction about women's circles), Our Lady of Weight Loss by Janice Taylor (the only weight loss book I've ever bought because it's based on losing weight through your creativity), Entering the Castle by Caroline Myss (my internal/mysticism work), The Holotropic Mind by Stanislov Groff (as I wrestle with what kind of therapist I want to be so I can pick a graduate school)

27. What are you reading next?
I have no idea....I have a surprise from the Universe to look forward to. : )

Wow, what a great question for this thoughtful Saturday morning!

I have a powerful and very conscious relationship to my life story. Reflecting on how my story has unfolded and continues to unfold allows me deep understanding into who I am, the purpose I am here to live, and allows me to continuously rewrite the metaphors of my journey as I evolve. I once lived the story of a victim: born to a deeply wounded mother in a deeply wounded extended family and cursed to recreate the horrors of their lives. Consider this: in my mother's genetic ancestory, teen pregnancy goes back several generations. As does mental illness. In both her biological and adopted ancestories: extreme abuse and incest go back several generations. In *every* generation. The only ancestory I truly know I come from is one of the wounding of people who went on to wound their own children by living their victimhood stories.

But I took charge of my life story, and instead of being just another link in a chain of dysfunction and wounding, I have become the person who ended that chain. It ALL stopped with me (even my younger sister was prompted towards her own healing at a younger age because of my early mistakes). And why? Because I took authorship of my own life, I created my own healing, and I pushed myself to evolve beyond unconscious emotional patterns that may not have only been genetic and ancestoral, but may have also been karmic, woundings that I carried from previous lives. (I have had some experiences that cause me to be open-minded about past lives.)

Another responder to this question said that he had no connection to his life story because it is his past and all there is now is the present. I don't see it that way at all. This present moment would not be what it is--my life would not be what it is--if it wasn't for the story I've lived. Each choice I've made led to this moment, so while I am not attached to the past, I deeply honor it for shaping who I have chosen to be. And I reflect on it as I continue to unearth the unconscious and shadow pieces of myself for further healing and evolution.

There's something that resonates with me about the idea that we choose our life circumstances before we come here; that we have soul contracts with our family and other people that can help us develop into our best potential in this lifetime, if we allow ourselves to through our free will choices. I can see how specifically choosing my mother and her history created the opportunities for me to become the incredibly strong and resilient woman and good mother that I am. I can see how the circumstances of my troubled childhood were fertile ground for teaching me how to bring the Good Mother archetype into the world by making me live the consequences of her absence. I can also see how my soul contracts with two deeply wounded and violent men led to the birth of these two absolutely amazing souls that are my children and my decision to mother them consciously. But I don't believe everything is pre-ordained. We have a choice in how we respond to the life we are born into, one choice that is made every second of our lives whether we believe we chose our circumstances or not: do I stagnate or do I grow? do I become conscious (or maintain consciousness) or do I refuse to take responsibility for authoring my own life story? 

My mother's lifelong response to her history has been the role of stagnant victim. She refuses to take responsibility for her story and she fails to evolve. She's been depressed for more than 30 years. She's been addicted to substances over and over again, changing the substance but never overcoming the addiction. She still acts out of wounding that took place 10-40 years ago. She still suffers tremendous guilt for choices that are decades old. She has refused to become the author of her own life.

On the other hand, I lived a fast-forward version of her life, experiencing not only the traumas that came from living the consequences of her victimhood while I was in her home, but also experiencing teen pregnancy, mental illness, severe depression, poverty, addiction, domestic violence and rape all before age 22. Instead of being paralyzed by my wounding and my guilt, I chose to stop being a victim and a failure as a mother. I really fucked up my son's head and heart between ages 0-5 because of my emotional neglect and poor choices in relationships, from which he still suffers difficulty forming intimate bonds with others. I could have easily let that guilt alone eat me alive. Add to that the guilt about allowing the drugs and gun into my home that led to my own rape with my son in the next room and I could have been paralyzed for life like my mother. But when I found out I was pregnant with my second child, who was conceived in that violence, I realized that I had a choice and that I was responsible for two other human beings. I could continue drowning in my reliving of my ancestory and my guilt until someone ended up dead or I ended up in a mental institution. Or I could choose to become the heroine of my own story. And heroine I became, not only in my own life, but in my children's lives as well.

This year of my life, during which I watch my son become a man of integrity, responsibility, immense creativity, strength, passion, determination, confidence, emotional insight, and good emotional health, is so important because of my life story, our life story. Finally seeing the rewards of that choice 12 years ago to become the heroine of our lives has brought me more joy than I could have ever anticipated. I'm crying right now as I write this because my emotional response is so strong. Every concious choice I've made for my own healing and growth, as well as for the well-being of my children, has led to this moment of immense pride in who we have both become. I had my son when I was 17 years old. We have literally grown up together. His soul trusted me enough to believe I could give him the love he needed--while I was still a child myself--to become the amazing young man he already is and he hasn't even gone out into the world yet. His life story has only just begun. I am so incredibly excited to witness what comes next for him, what he'll do when he has the resources and education and world expansion that college will bring.

I'm even now rewriting my life story in response to what I'm experiencing. I had believed until about a year ago that I put my own life purpose on hold to be a good mother to these kids and work the less-than-satisfactory jobs in this less-than-inspiring-to-my-artistic-and-bohemian-heart rural town that would provide the stability my son needed to grow out of his early wounding. I thought I had given something up or stagnated in my own evolution. But now I see my story as the development of the Mother archetype that is my purpose in this world. I needed to choose to be a conscious and fully present mother to these children so early in my life so that I could grow into being a Mother to many others and assist in healing their inner wounded children. I will be a better art therapist--or whatever manifestation my purpose takes--for having lived my story exactly as I have. Every wounding in the world is based on wounding in the family. It is my purpose to assist in healing family wounds, which can potentially lead to healing cultural ones. Now I see the sacrifices I made not as hindrances, but as gifts I've given to both of our evolutions and the world. We are both better and the world will be better for every sacrifice I've made: for every moment of boredom in the office that allowed for my total presence and creativity at home, for every lonely night that pushed me to overcome my inner darkness and illusion of separation, and for every disappointment that I missed some cultural or community experience that has now inspired me to co-create the cultural and community experiences I truly desire. By rewriting my life story now, I continue to grow in my evolution of my purpose and my personal imagining of the human experience.

From a collective perspective, sharing our life stories is vital to our evolution. It is through the way other people's stories touch us that we build community, find commonalities, and overcome our illusion of separation. Our stories are all intertwined whether we have met one another or not. Every piece of music, literature, film, theater, every blog and forum post, every human interaction that is deeper than a commerce transaction or small talk about the weather is a sharing and blending of our stories. We feed each other's self understanding and personal evolution in every way we share our stories.

And we are living a collective story, which we need to author as consciously as we are our own life stories. We are participating in the story of our city, state, nation and planet. Collectively we will only evolve if enough of us participate with consciousness in every aspect of our story....politics, ethics, ecology, science, medicine, community, art, media, religion/spirituality, family life/parenting, etc. Every way that we choose to respond (or unconsciously react) to the collective story influences the pace of evolution for us all.

Whew, didn't expect to write so much. Thanks for listening if you got all the way through! : )

Serendipitous quote to the subject of innate trust that I wrote of earlier this week:

"I confess that I consider life to be a thing of the most untouchable deliciousness, and that even the confluence of so many disasters and deprivations, the exposure of countless fates, everything that insurmountably increased for us over the past few years to become a still rising terror cannot distract me from the fullness and goodness of existence that is inclined toward us.  There would be little sense in approaching you with good wishes if each wish were not preceded by this conviction that the goods of life arise pure, undamaged, and, at their very bottom, desirable out of upheaval and ruin."  -Rilke

All I can say is Wow!

Thou art my sister, because we were born of the same great spirit; conceived from the same mound of earth; slept quietly together in the cradle of unknowing until He in his gentleness set us in the midst of humanity...you are my sister, I love you.

You and I are destined to be companions on the highway of life; together or apart, you are my sister I love you....if the color of my skin is different from yours it mattereth not, only let the beauty of our souls be kindred.

I will honor your wisdom and understanding, as you will mine, together we shall seek the seeds of truth in the distant rooms of the Great Spirit; the reflection of inner knowledge shall wear as beauty upon our faces...you are my sister I love you.

I will be human and fall down in rough places; but thy hand is near mine, I will reach for it. I shall not be alone. I will embrace you when the rains of sorrow visit you, I will visit your soul as if it were my own....you are my sister, I love you.

If death takes me from the lamp of life, and the veil of sleep falls across my eyes before yours, I will wait for you. I will come to lead you across the bridge of night into the meadows of the Great Spirit....you are my sister I love you.

Poem by Jean Humphrey Chaille

It's kinda tripping me out how many serendipitous connections I'm finding to the idea of an innate trust in humanity.



I dont need a passport
to walk on this earth,
Anywhere I go cause
I was made of this earth
I'm born of this earth,
I breathe of this earth,
and even with the pain I believe in this earth, So
I wake Up every mornin and I'm stepping on the floor,
I wake up every mornin and I'm stepping out the door
I got faith in the sky,
faith in the One,
faith in the people rockin underneath the sun

I just want to take a moment to express my deep felt gratitude for the Zaadzters that have given me shout-outs and comments over the last few weeks. I've felt so loved!  Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

This is getting downright spooky. I was led to this blog post today by Bill's Speedlinking:

"Here's the bottom line: If you believe in a God who only judges and punishes, or if you believe that there is nothing but an accidental, indifferent universe, it's going to be incredibly hard to move from fear to fearlessness because, after all, the essential characteristic of fearlessness is trust. It's the trust that there is meaning in our lives, even when our limited minds are unable to see it, the trust that's captured in one of my favorite verses in the Bible: "Not a sparrow falls but that God is behind it."" Arianna Huffington from On Becoming Fearless

The Universe is really imprinting something on me about trust...I need to follow the stream of consciousness forming....

If I truly trusted in the truth that I am a part of the All and cannot be broken, then why do I continue to hold myself back in fear? I am getting every possible validation for my existence right now....acknowledgement for the gifts I share through Zaadz and the Conspiracy and Pride (see the amazing comments on my last post...how can I not feel like people really care what I have to say!?!); acknowledgement for what I have to give as an artist and a nonprofit manager; and tremendous emotional rewards for the choices I've made in mothering. Nearly every day I am shown appreciation for who I am, when I am being authentic.

And the deeper truth is that I have succeeded at everything in the world I have ever tried to the extent that I've tried (my significant failures have all been in the emotional and relationship arena).  I don't say that to brag but to help me see my own light and try to understand why I'm hiding it under a bushel now. Here's a smattering of my accomplishments: I was honored as Mother of the Year at my alternative high school's graduation and awarded five different scholarships for college. I was chosen as a soloist in every choral group and theater performance I auditioned for from ages 7 to 20. I had a poem--which I wrote for a dying music professor in a moment of extreme empathy with my fellow students--turned into a beautiful choral arrangement that was purchased by a music publishing company and sold across the United States to dozens of choirs and performed at several memorials (including my own professor's). I've had poems accepted in every publication I've queried and I've brought people to tears with my spoken word performances. I sold over 50 yoni sculptures to people around the world. My yoni graphic designs were used in several publications, from programs for productions of the Vagina Monologues to a sexual health booklet for prostitutes in Brazil. I was asked to write a parenting column for my local newspaper for a year. I've had many articles and essays published in wide ranging publications. I was recruited for a management position after my first year in the work world.

But all of these things happened without me even trying very hard. I've actually let most of my creative inspirations fizzle out. I've never pushed myself to see how far I could go. I dabble and then I move on to something else, never following through on the big inspirations.

The only creative failure I've had--and it wasn't really a failure--was a large art installation addressing domestic violence that I started planning, went public with (including radio interviews) in a call for contributions, contacted the local groups who work with survivors, and then had to stop because my health issues blew up at me and I could hardly even work, let alone coordinate and create such a huge project. I am somewhat embarrassed by having gone public and then dropping out of sight. I don't want that to happen again, which may be why I hold back from the community art project I feel brewing inside me now. On the other hand, I can see how I needed to do more work on myself before I would be ready to go out into the world with my big ideas. I'm just not sure if I'm ready now either.

I know without a doubt--because people shared themselves with me--that I have touched many lives through my endeavors as an artist, volunteer, healer, and friend. So why the hell am I so afraid all the time that people will hate my ideas? As crazy as it may seem, I have barely scratched the surface concerning the callings I feel on my heart. I am not truly challenging myself, I am doing was is safe and comfortable. The Conspiracy of Blessings is a "safe" art project and use of my intuitive abilities in that there is no possibility for rejection the way it is set up.  I chickened out of continuing the original manifestation of the project--leaving my art blessings in my local community. I never wanted to be noticed because I was so afraid of having to talk to anyone about what I was doing. I was afraid of how odd people would think I am.

I feel called to do a community art project but I feel like I would be a fraud because I am not a professional artist. I am an intuitive, self taught artist and any project would include a learning process for me. There is a small grant being offered for a community project involving love and forgiveness...which is in total alignment with The Conspiracy and where I'm headed in my own evolution. But I haven't really brainstormed any options because I'm already convinced I would be rejected for my lack of experience.

How can I say I really trust--the Universe, humanity and myself--if I allow fear to hold me back so much?

Ooh, I just had a thought. I've been sitting in the room of facing my fear of humiliation in my work through Caroline Myss' Entering the Castle. After going through the material, I realised I needed to let it simmer in my life before moving on. I am afraid of being humiliated if I try an ambitious creative project that draws public attention. I am afraid of being humiliated by trying to be bigger than maybe I really am. I feel BIG. I have BIG energy as a human being and I've always felt driven to share in BIG ways. But I've never allowed myself to be BIG in the world. Am I BIG enough to lead the Pride organization into creating a community center? Am I BIG enough to lead a community art project that could inspire healing and sow seeds of love and forgiveness? Am I BIG enough to pursue more professional art mediums and some sort of education in psychological and spiritual healing, and find a way to make art and healing combined my full time work?

Wow, I can see now why this question of my trust has become so prominent. There's much to process here.

Thanks for listening.

I'm blog hopping this lovely Thanksgiving evening, as the leg of lamb covered in herbs fills the house with its savory scents--fresh basil and garlic, masala rub, coriander, and ground peppercorns. Amazingly I came upon this...

at Soul Sister Designs (great name and great blog!!!). It seems the artist, Jen, is a soul sister to me in her pronoiac views of the world. This is one of her Trust Art downloads. I love inspiring art!!!

But can you believe it? More trust, trust, trust....

Her two other Trust messages are:

Trust is letting go of needing to know all the details before you open your heart.

Trust is daring to believe the light inside you needs a chance to shine bright.

BIG thoughts.

I am grateful today for the magic of serendipity.

So I took a little wander over to the "hot" page this evening, something I rarely do but with a four day weekend I can indulge in some wandering. I was immediately drawn to a pod thread on the front page called "The Guru Jack Debauchery." You have to admit it's an intriguing title. But I am rather surprised and saddened by what I found there, and not for the reason everyone else seems to be.

This is how the post opens:

"A few weeks ago I did something that really pissed the zaadz team off and this is a thread to discuss what I did and why I did it. Please feel free to express your feelings towards the event as well.

ok, so like I said a few weeks ago this guy named William G Defoore joined our pod. He posted a few things, one of them was an add for his anger management cd's. I was led to change his post. I changed his name to William G defake, I changed goodfinding (that was the name of his product/website) to gayfinding everytime he he typed it out...and that was several times. and I changed the name of his link...not the link iteself, but the name. oh...and I changed his email from 4b4home or smething like that to 4b4homo...."

Since it's a public pod I am going to respond, but it wouldn't be right to join the pod just to share my opinion so I'll do it here at my blog and hope that it at least gives the Zaadz staff  and my fellow Zaadzters something to think about.

In all the comments to the post, even from Zaadz staff, there is not one mention of the particular way Jack changed someone's post. There is not one comment about the fact that he used queer language to shame someone else. He use queer language in a defamatory way. That is just not ok and I can't believe there isn't one Zaadzter standing up to say so!

If he had chosen racist language, I guarantee you there would have been an outcry. If he had used mysogynist language there would have been an outcry. But no, all there is discussion of the action of editing a post, nothing about the horrible way it was done. This is a great example of how much progress we still need to make as a nation if even the "conscious" social networking site doesn't have people who stand up as conscious straight allies to the queer community when the need arises.
 
This is why I am on the Board of Directors for my local Pride organization. I have a gay son and I am afraid for him in today's cultural climate. We are still a culture of violence, in our actions and our language, and much of that violence is directed towards queers of all kinds. The Queer Rights movement is today's Civil Rights movement and we need our straight allies as much as the African-American community needed their white allies in days past (and still do!). For instance, the recent Federal Law against queer discrimination just passed without the inclusion of transsexuals. Heterosexual marriages receive thousands of rights that are not given to same sex marriages. Queer parents have their children taken from them. Thousands of children are refused families because queer parents aren't allowed to adopt. This is a serious issue!!! We are a minority, so we NEED conscious straight people to actively support our pursuit of equality.

Consciousness means being aware of how you use language. What are you "improving" if you are using language that perpetuates a violent culture against a minority community? What kind of intuitive guidance are you receiving as an "enlightened being" if that guidance includes shaming someone else by using queer language? My son is gay. My son is a homo. And I don't appreciate anyone using those words as insults in an attempt to shame another human being, especially at Zaadz, no matter that person's inappropriate agenda (at least he did no harm by hawking his wares). There is nothing uplifting or good feeling about what Jack did.

By the way, this is why I was passionate about the Yoni Endeavor for several years. Using words that represent the physical center of women's being--the home that every human being is born from--as insults and language to shame is mysogynist and contributes to the culture of violence against women.  I am fairly certain the Zaadz community would respond if someone used mysogynist language here. I hope that in the future someone will respond to queer language used in inappropriate ways. And I'll do my best to share more about queer issues in my blog in order to educate.

Thanks for listening and Happy Thanksgiving! 

"The best way to find "love," April... is to focus less on this by-product of a life well lived and more on a life well lived. "

Today's TUT Note from the Universe serendipitously fits in perfectly with the gratitude I want to express today. My inner witness has become aware this week of a change inside of me that brings me great joy.

Over the last year, after losing most of my social and spiritual communities and divorcing my husband, I felt a lot of angst about my aloneness. And for the first time in seven years, I experienced deep loneliness. I didn't feed it, I experienced it as it was. I knew it would be temporary. I knew/know that members of my tribe, the ones who fit and reflect my soul now, are on their way to me, if not already in my sphere and we just don't realize it yet. But that knowing didn't lessen the sadness I felt those dark nights that I wanted to be touched or someone to listen so badly and no one was there. And it didn't stop me from going out and actively looking for a new relationship and friendships the first six months. I tried to make something happen instead of trusting the Universe to guide me to my soul tribe at the right time. It wasn't until late Spring that I stopped looking and just focused on living my life.

My ex is in Texas with his girlfriend right now. I had hoped to celebrate Thanksgiving with friends, but plans didn't work out that way and it was just me and my children here at home yesterday. And instead of feeling disappointment or loneliness, or the I-don't-belong-anywhere feelings I'm prone to, I felt/feel entirely at peace. As I spend these this holiday week living alone with my kids, I realize I am not pining for anyone or anything. I feel complete and whole unto myself. In fact, I feel an incredible lightness because there is no tension with my ex over my health and the stasis of our maybe relationship. Without that angst, my emotional life is entirely happy. For the first time in my adult life, I am alone and I am totally ok with it. In fact, I'm imagining that when my son moves out next summer, I may very well want to end the sharing the house as co-parents arrangement and just live with my daughter. I know there is the possibility that when my hormones balance out my feelings could change, but I have to recognize the rightness and wholeness of what I'm feeling right now.

I have been seeking this peace at heart my entire life. I used to be so desperate to feel loved, to be in relationship, to have people validating my existence all of the time. I was so hungry for partnership that I pushed people away with my desperation and woundedness.

Now I feel loved from many directions in my life, whether I am in the company of those loving me or not. I not only feel the love of those few people close to me, but the love of all those who love me from afar. I feel the embrace of the Universe. And I believe it is because of what the quote above says, I am focusing on living my life well. I am focused on what I can give life instead of what it can give me. I am acting from authenticity and true love instead of my wounds. It's a beautiful thing. This Thanksgiving weekend I am grateful for the beauty of my own unfolding.

It's interesting to see the different responses to this: some answer concerning their partner/mate relationships and others answer taking all relationships into account. This is a particularly poignant question for me because my personal evolution has been about the transitory nature of relationships. I have had very few relationships of any kind last more than 1-3 years and that use to freak me out and make me depressed, especially as a single mother who wanted someone to share the experience with. Now I understand that a person's love is always in me whether it's physically shared for a moment or a lifetime. I've had some amazingly intense, wonderful and life-changing relationships take place in a matter of a few days or a few months.

The longest and most consistent relationship I've had as an adult is with my son. He's been with me since I was 17.

My longest friendship, although it hasn't been consistent, I've just known her longer than anyone else, is my friend, Deborah. She was my first girlfriend 12 years ago. We've floated in and out of each other's lives ever since. She is on the conscious journey, which I why I think we've been able to stay friends and find ways to grow together over the years.

My longest consistent friendship is with my best friend, Crystal. Although what I call consistent with her is different than you might expect. She moved away from my town a few years ago and we can go months without even writing an email to each other. But energetically, I know we are always connected. I know Crystal is always actively loving me as I do her. We just don't need words to express it. When we do connect physically, it's always entirely authentic. There is always room in our hearts to hold space for the other. I think we've been friends for 8-10 years. I don't remember exactly but I knew her for awhile before I met my husband.

My longest romantic relationship was with my now ex-husband and co-parent. Until I met him, I didn't have a lover relationship that lasted more than 7 months. That seemed to be the magic number. I had several relationships over my ten years as a single mother that lasted exactly 7 months--even living-together and blended family relationships. I was with him romantically for six years and we've been living together for 7. Because of him I know that unconditional love is possible. Because he's told me I'm beautiful for nearly every day for seven years I actually believe it.  I deeply appreciate the role he has played in my evolution. I appreciate him holding space for me to heal my woundedness. And I will always love him for taking my children into his heart and making them his own. It's a special man who can do that. Whether we remain living together or not, I know that my children will always have a father and that is more important than any relationship security I could seek for myself.

I am taking a vacation day from work to come down from some major energy expenditure the last two days. I am so tired in my body, heart, and soul and I need to get some thoughts out.

Yesterday was the Agency's Annual Meeting, which is a media event and luncheon for over 100 people--including prominent state and local politicos--as well as a presentation of our annual Senior Friend Awards, and I was responsible for coordinating the whole thing. It takes a lot of energy for me to be as present as I need to be for a large event like this. Sunday and Monday were spent bringing all the details and physical objects together, so there were big physical energy expenditures as well.

But that wasn't all I did. I also spent the last two nights leading the Humboldt Pride Board through strategic planning. It's tough enough to have the brain power for regular evening meetings after full time work and family, but being the leader and guiding the group through terrain that is totally unfamiliar to them is really tough when I've already given so much. I should not have scheduled the strategic plannings sessions for these two nights, but my personal and professional calendars are separate so it didn't occur to me they were at the same time.

However, it did all work out well. The annual meeting was very successful, everyone loved the annual report I designed, and the Director of the California Department on Aging specifically mentioned in her speech how impressed she was with our event and the warm-hearted energy she felt from our community. Here's an interesting statistic: Humboldt County has more nonprofits than some states. Isn't that crazy? It's not just local nonprofits. We are home to several international nonprofits like Internews, which develops media outlets in emerging democracies; World Shelters, which provides shelter during disasters like the Tsunami and Katrina (they even hold big construction events where the entire community is welcome to assist in putting together the kits); and there's another major media nonprofit that I can't think of the name right now. And that's just the ones I've had personal contact with in some way. There's something special about this county I live in. Anyway...

The strategic planning sessions also went well. My Board did great and I kept my patience even though I was so tired. We have a really strong foundation to build on and now I just need to draft the plan itself in the next few weeks.

I drafted a 2008 budget for Pride and the really exciting thing is that we may have the funds to start up a volunteer run center by 2009. And we may be able to afford a part time Director if we are the recipients of a couple highly successful local fundraisers held by other queer organizations that we are currently being considered for. This is amazing for an organization that has only existed for a year in this rural area and hasn't launched a major fundraising campaign. This Board continues to amaze me all the time with their passion and commitment. Oh yeah, and we're going to implement a queer help and information line on a cell phone that we'll take shifts being responsible for, so we'll be officially delivering services in the next couple months. Yay!!

Anyway, even though these two events were so successful, in between them I finally brought myself and my ex-husband out of the no-man's-land we've been living in concerning our relationship. After the insight I had about my time without him in the house last week (see previous post ) and after some reactive moments within our first 48 hours together, I decided it's time to let go once and for all (of the partner relationship potential, we'll still be coparents, and will live together until my son moves out next summer). I know my hormones aren't balanced right now, but I can't live with the pressure of his waiting for me to figure things out once my body is in balance. What if he waits and I still don't want him? That's too much pressure, as is his constant need for validation. Taking a natural approach to healing, and having to take on the weight loss journey as well, is a long term process that needs to be focused on me. It could be many months before my body finds it's balance and I've realized it's detrimental to my health to live in the emotional chaos of maybe. Making the effort to keep the door to my heart open even though nearly everything inside of me says I don't want to is too much for me. It doesn't feel authentic and caused me a lot of heartache. Even if what I feel now is because of imbalanced hormones, that doesn't make the experience any less real to me in this moment. I have to be true to what I feel.

And no matter my health status, there are fundamental reasons we are not well matched as partners, no matter how much we love each other. I need to keep sight of that. I need to honor the part of me that has been trying to break free of this relationship for years. It doesn't matter than I had a surge of attraction and infatuation during the two months on the pill. That doesn't change the fact that we have different values and levels of consciousness, that our lives as we choose to live them don't mesh.

So now we're in the grief process...again. It's hard not to chastise myself for the way things went over the summer. I know it's through no fault of my own that my hormones have been so out of control in both directions, but I still feel guilty for putting him through this roller coaster. I couldn't have known the pill inspired those powerful feelings of attraction and infatuation at the time. Let me tell you, I've been trying to do some internet research on this phenomenon and it's been hard. I believe that many women have these kinds of problems but they must not realize the hormones are behind the roller coaster. I know I can't be the only woman who has had this experience. But I can't find any stories, information or any references to an experience like this, where hormone manipulation made such a dramatic difference in a relationship (other than pregnancy/new baby experiences). I'm feeling pretty alone in this and it sucks. Ugh.

But I'll muddle through, as I always do. I'll grieve. I'll grow. And I'll continue on the path to healing with more clarity and peace in my heart. Thanks for listening.

Jessica tagged me on my shout out board.

My seven (warning: adult themed web post!):

Ok, let's see how many come out with this interesting story (you know I have to do it a little differently than everyone else...heehee): 

I haven't really (if ever) talked about it here but I'm a kinky bottom (1) and have had many altered state experiences through intense sensations in my body (2). I have a friend, my first girlfriend who introduced me to the BDSM world, who has written books--on fisting, piercing play and erotic roleplay--for the leading BDSM press in the country (3). Through her, I met the man who wrote SM 101, Jay Wiseman (4). Through her I also met an amazing man who could move energy in trippy and intense ways (he could push people from across the room and he once brought me to orgasm without ever actually touching me, just consciously moving energy around me and in me at a public play party and we captivated everyone around us)(5). One day amazing man and I visited Jay and the conversation came around to the fact that my back is my most intense erogenous zone, I am so easily driven wild by having it touched (6). Jay wondered how my back would respond to electricity sensations, as he was writing a book about electricity play. So we experimented with a TENS-unit and it was positively bizarre and exciting at the same time (7). And now I have a deep fascination and desire to play with violet wands (bonus). I also loving watching other bottoms on the receiving end of a violet wand. The electricity is visible between one's skin and the glass of the wand and it's quite beautiful.

I tag: Crystal, Joey, Deepa, Mini, Emma, Heather, and Sirene.

These are the rules of this interesting game, if you are up to the challenge:

1. Link to the person who tagged you

2. Post these rules on your blog

3. List seven random or weird facts about yourself

4. Tag seven people and include links to their blogs

5. Let each person know they have been tagged by sending them a message.