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October 2008 
The Fire Keeps Burning
Posted on Mar 10th, 2006
by 
Blessing Conspirator
Blessing Conspirator
I have the Osho Zen Tarot deck and the Transformation card is the most beautiful visual expression of Kali's Fire. I often use this card as a meditation and reminder when I am tempted to give in to self pity and victimhood.
My old skins are burning away as I leap into leadership. I am generally a very quiet person. I cannot relate to others with small talk. I share my authentic thoughts and feelings or don't speak at all. And I am very insecure about other people's perceptions of me. My authenticity has often been rejected.
In the past at Board of Director meetings for the non-profit where I work, I have rarely spoken more than 3-4 sentences and only to clarify accounting questions in most instances (I am the Administrative Coordinator and bookkeeper and Board secretary and web mistress and now operations manager and who knows what else will come with the changes). At Wednesday's Board meeting, I was as much of a participant as everyone else. My opinion and insight was requested and respected. For so long I have been insecure about sharing my insights in a room full of community leaders. Now I discover that these people want to know what I think. They find my perspective valuable. And I find myself rising to this challenge with little effort. The necessity of my involvement has kept the fear from surfacing. Today I even wrote a letter requesting a raise because I feel that I am worth more due to the new roles I am filling. I have never asked for what I think I'm worth before. Assertiveness is rare for me. I am proud of myself right now and it's keeping the exhaustion from the extra hours worked this week from turning me into a cranky mama.
I also find that my intuitive and conscious insight into the workings of people is useful during this transition and I'm sharing my thoughts with both the Board and the staff in this regard. There have been a lot of complicated feelings as we restructure the organization, which is to be expected. I am helping people to work through their feelings and their fears. I am helping people understand each other. I have been secretly asking the Universe for opportunities to use my intuition and empathy in my life again. I was expecting it to happen in personal relationships, not professional ones. I am thrilled with the possibilities of integrating my professional life and my intuitive gifts.
My old skins are burning away as I leap into leadership. I am generally a very quiet person. I cannot relate to others with small talk. I share my authentic thoughts and feelings or don't speak at all. And I am very insecure about other people's perceptions of me. My authenticity has often been rejected.
In the past at Board of Director meetings for the non-profit where I work, I have rarely spoken more than 3-4 sentences and only to clarify accounting questions in most instances (I am the Administrative Coordinator and bookkeeper and Board secretary and web mistress and now operations manager and who knows what else will come with the changes). At Wednesday's Board meeting, I was as much of a participant as everyone else. My opinion and insight was requested and respected. For so long I have been insecure about sharing my insights in a room full of community leaders. Now I discover that these people want to know what I think. They find my perspective valuable. And I find myself rising to this challenge with little effort. The necessity of my involvement has kept the fear from surfacing. Today I even wrote a letter requesting a raise because I feel that I am worth more due to the new roles I am filling. I have never asked for what I think I'm worth before. Assertiveness is rare for me. I am proud of myself right now and it's keeping the exhaustion from the extra hours worked this week from turning me into a cranky mama.
I also find that my intuitive and conscious insight into the workings of people is useful during this transition and I'm sharing my thoughts with both the Board and the staff in this regard. There have been a lot of complicated feelings as we restructure the organization, which is to be expected. I am helping people to work through their feelings and their fears. I am helping people understand each other. I have been secretly asking the Universe for opportunities to use my intuition and empathy in my life again. I was expecting it to happen in personal relationships, not professional ones. I am thrilled with the possibilities of integrating my professional life and my intuitive gifts.
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I also have the Osho Zen Tarot, it is a lovely and delicious mirror:)
I too share the “convey the Deepest or nothing at all”, but considering how rarely even the spiritual touch the Deep, it seem’s inrealistic to hold others to my unspoken Ideals. So I utlize my other gifts, for museing, to fill my mortal persona with enough divine to satisfy both my inner soul and those who just want to talk and chill.
The key is, Beauty through Presence, because words are so horribly inadequate even if you find the people who will Hear your deepest soul and feelings, words are only the surface, and often get misinterpeted and blocked by Mind. So, don’t rely on them. Express your wishes through your aura, you may be surprised at how much people “hear” and react to the subtle.