The Nitty Gritty

It's time to get personal, to get into the nitty gritty of my life story as it unfolds this very moment. I feel the hunger to write, to connect, to share my story and possibly connect with someone else trying to walk this journey consciously.

I have been in yet another intense burning of Kali's Fire, staring the end of my marriage in the eye, as well as transitioning into a professional position that actually allows me to use my creative gifts and acknowledges the level of my creative skill, which requires a new level of abundance consciousness.

I have a new boss who appears to be everything I seek to be as a leader. We have so much in common. She was a single mother for many years. She's worked her way out of poverty on her own. She's an introvert and nurturer. She works collaboratively as opposed to hierarchically. The culture she has created in a year and a half is just amazing.

I have not decided what to do about my marriage yet. I came to the realization several weeks back that I could not imagine my future with the person my partner was choosing to be. But something has awakened in my partner recently and if he can keep his eyes open, we may yet have a future together. Maybe.

However, I am also questioning my sexuality, which is a completely unexpected curve in my journey. I thought I had it all figured out. I can be attracted to and fall in love with both men and women. Hence, I defined myself as a bisexual, equally capable of a fulfilling relationship with either gender. But that assumption has been challenged recently. I have developed feelings for a woman (my husband and I are in a somewhat open relationship) and the Universe is sending me messages that I may experience more passion, more fulfillment, and more joy with a woman than a man. I am being cautious, to be sure this just isn't a grass-is-greener kind of thing. But there has been some remarkable serendipity surrounding this issue that leads me toward deeper intimacy with women.

I have finally become aware of each step in the cycle of personal evolution as it happens. I saw Kali's Fire coming. I burned in her Fire and my heart was broken over and over again. I became wordless as I grieved the passing of my illusions and I celebrated each step that I've taken towards my Source. Now I am feeling the integration. My intellectual and emotional insights are now transforming me into someone new. Being able to observe the phases of evolution certainly helps in weathering them without sinking into any sort of despair or hopelessness. I know what comes next and I know joyful moments are always just around the corner. I know that my heart must break open wider and wider in order to contain all the beauty and love in the universe.

I did a Tarot reading last night, with my Zen Osho deck, and I am very encouraged by the messages the Universe is sending me. The reading was all about achieving a new level of consciousness. Specifically, being able to live in the present, relaxing into the Silence and my potential that exists there, and being courageous enough to take responsibility for who I am and live my truth. I also received some reaffirmation that I what I am seeking cannot be found through a teacher, but exists inside of me. Joy Bringer's post yesterday about the Mahariji and monday9am.tv segwayed perfectly from my reading and I got caught up there instead of writing this post last night.

At monday9am.tv I saw an interview with an extremely successful musician that asked, How naked are you willing to be? He had the insight that being naked--revealing our truest selves--does not make us vulnerable as much as it makes us powerful. Which is so true! I never thought of it that way before, but that is one of the reasons I seek opportunities to be naked.  And why I love seeing others be naked. I could substitute naked with being-our-godselves. There is a lot of power in every act that comes from our authentic Being.

I've come to the realization that it's time to find a new spiritual community. I do not have any friends or loved ones who are jiving with the place I'm at in my journey. I am craving communion with kindred souls and high vibration energies.

Wisdom gleaned....look at others with eyes that see that we have the same consciousness residing within. Look at others for recognition, not differences. This is something I am going to consciously try doing each day.

I hope you had a Blessed Halloween. Thank you for listening.